depressing thoughts

o

5/22/17

  I'm relieved. My heart doesn't feel as heavy as it did before. Me and my 'friend' (now actual friend) have made up. I apologized for my actions and she apologized for hers. We found out we had been lied to by another friend who was making up everything about us. Saying how we talked disgustingly bad about one another when in truth it never happened.
I feel so much better now.
I planned to kill myself this morning.
I seriously planned it.
Planned everything.
In my morning classes I had literally told myself that if me and my friend couldn't make up, I'd kill myself.
I was going to kill myself if she hadn't forgave me.
Why?
Grief
Stress
Heartbroken
Done.
I was going to be certainly done. To the point where I'd kill myself right then and there.
Me and my friend talked, we found out we had both been experiencing some sort of depressing stage in our life's. I opened up to her about my cutting, she was so accepting (unlike my 'best' friend). She didn't make any jokes. She didn't ridicule me. She didn't ask to see them or threatened me. She assured me of everything.
I felt comfort with someone.
It feels like my heavy heart has been lifted up a bit.
But I'm still not well.
Maybe this is my first step in recovery.
But I'm scared.
I'm scared that I'm going to fall even harder into the numbness. The aching feeling of not seeing cuts on my ankles after it's healed makes me feel sick.
Its like I need to see them there.
I'm sorry.
In my morning classes when I contemplated killing myself this day, I acted how I wanted to act. My best friend asked me what was wrong. I was acting distant according to her. Is that how I look like when I act how I want to act? Sad. I reassured her that I was just worried about my speech (I have to present a valedictorian speech soon) and it was nothing.
I'm tired but the words my friend gave me are making me think life is worth living.
I'm tired
  -entry time: 6:16pm