depressing thoughts

i

11-18-18

He's ignoring me right now
I feel like I didn't give him any space at all
I feel like I haven't in a long time
maybe he needs time for himself (?)
I feel bad
I shouldn't constantly want attention from him
I just like to talk to him
it's annoying
I'll give him space tomorrow
I won't speak at all to him
I think that's what he wants
I tried to call him before I went to sleep
it ringed a few times before he declined it
Hurt
not even a "I'm busy" text
I sent him a goodnight
I don't think I'm going to get one back tonight
I'm so
annoying
I don't want to be annoying
to him
or to anyone
I just texted one of my dear friends I was sorry
like just right now as I was typing this
he's been mean to me lately but it's just my fault for being annoying to him, I feel horrible that I'm a bother.

sometimes I just want to cry
because I know I'm a bad person
sometimes I think
why
why do I keep on going
for who?
for Brandon?
for what?
for nothing
I know he doesn't love me as much as I love him
I can feel it
it's not
equal
at all....
maybe I'm just too clingy
maybe I want too much
sometimes I want to talk about it to him
but I'll hear the same thing
I'll hear the same frustration
and I'll feel worse right after
as always...
nothing good comes out of me speaking about my feelings
to him or to anyone
No matter what I feel
it's wrong
I always hear that I shouldn't feel like that
almost like my feelings don't matter
invalid.
He apologized on our last phone call about how he was sorry he gets frustrated with me,
saying how he shouldn't because I'm hurting
saying how he should understand
but
he doesn't
and it's not his fault
that I'm
emotional
I told him I was emotional before we started dating
maybe I should've just
kept my mouth shut
maybe i should've never talked about my feelings at all
nothing good comes out of it
I don't know why I even speak anymore
when it's the same issues
I feel bad for him
having to hear the same issues over and over never being fixed
why?
Because I'm weak
I cant control my emotions at all
that's on me
that's my fault
that's my issue
Whenever I talk about my problems
I always have this feeling
that we would break up
because of me
Because I am so sad
because I am so clingy
Because I want so much
that's my fault
I'm sorry

Entry time: 11:47 pm