depressing thoughts

t

4/10/20

it's been almost a year since I have written in this god for saken diary of mine.

It terrifies me that I am starting to feel like how I used to before.
These nasty thoughts are consuming my mind once again and it's scaring me
I am tired of all the hurt I've felt before
Im tired
I'm so tired
I want it to stop
But I keep experiencing more and more hurt in my life

This man
This person
That I view as my whole world has hurt me over and over
I'm convinced he mistreated me because he knows I love him too much to leave in an instant decision.
The other night he had become frustrated and told me he purposely does bad things to me because he thinks if he does good things I will get upset so he would rather make me more upset
I was so taken back
It hurt me so bad to hear him say that
This man
This person
That I love will all my heart
Admitted to wanting to hurt me
As if what he has already done wasn't enough to break me
He hurt me so badly
He made his mistake, promised to not repeat it ever again, and did it multiple times after.
It almost broke me completely

Every night since then I ask myself
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
I know I am ugly
I know I am fat
I know I am undesirable
I know I am a burden
I know I am an embarrassment
I know
He couldn't control his urges
no one would if they were with someone as ugly as me.
I've gotten to the point again where I am believing I am worthless
He's sadly helping with that
He tried to convince me it was my fault for his bad actions
It was my fault
It was my fault
It's my fault
It's my fault
It's my fault
It's my fault
I tried so hard to go against him and not break
It's like he wanted to break me, to make me break and apologize for something that is not my fault
I exposed him for that, I stood up for myself and reasoned with him.
He started to cry and took back his words.
He apologized and said he felt as if I would leave him for his mistakes.
I know he is in pain because of his mistakes.
They haunt him everyday, bothering him every second he has lived because he knows the damage he has done.
I wished so hard for that when I was initially mad and betrayed
I was hurt so bad I prayed he would be able to feel the same amount of pain he caused.
And he said he does
I do not wish that upon him now, what's done is done no need to keep punishing himself for it.
As long as he knows he will never do it to me again.

He will recover from the mistake

But I don't think I ever will
I've forgiven him

But I cannot find an inner peace with myself anymore.

I think to myself since then

Why do I have to be so
Ugly
I am hideous
And I don't want to say it but I will
I sometimes want to kill myself for it.
Not because I deserve it
But because I want to be freed from it
From this pain I've dealt with for as long as I can remember

I have no real friends
No one I can talk to well
No one who is willing to listen to my troubles
No one who cares enough to check on me
I always check on others
I am always someone's rock
But I have no one who would do the same for me
No one who will ask
No one who cares about me
One person who I had grown close to
dropped me in an instant for someone else
I know I did nothing, they just found better
As always
I am forgotten
I am erased
I only become a vague memory of someone who was just there in the background
I'm so tired of being used like that
I'm so tired of being so forgotten
So easily replaceable

It hurts to see myself become more and more distant to that person and seeing them become closer to another
It does not bother me if they have another person they are close to
It is the fact that I am forgotten
I am replaced
I'm so tired of it
It is a painful experience
It makes me ask the same question as before
What is wrong with me?

Why does no one want me?

Why am I not wanted?

I know why
I've listed why

It makes me feel worthless
It reminds me of how worthless I am
How lonely I am

I used this form of diary in the past because I felt silenced
I had no one to express these thoughts with
For a short period of time I had finally been able to move away from this and trust people.

but it's been a disappointing decision.
My trust with people has been lost.
And I am back to only trusting myself to hold these thoughts.
It is painful
and I am terrified of what is to come from this

-entry time: 4:15 am