depressing thoughts

e

5/30/17

I don't want to be alive.
I want to cease my breathing.
I don't wanna do this anymore.
I had felt fine today.
But I'm such a liar.
I feel as empty as I always do.
my false sense of happiness comes when I'm around my friends.
but at the end of the day
I know
I know I'm not fine
I know I'm not okay
I know I want to die
I know I'm disgusting
I know I'm worthless
I know I will never mean anything to anyone.
I'm nothing.
I'm tired.
I'm fucking disgusted with myself.
How the first thing I think of right after school is "I just want to go home and kill myself"
I never do.
Because I'm a fucking coward.
My instrument had to be turned in today.
That's the only thing that kept me sane.
Knowing I was good at my instrument.
I feel terrible.
I feel like I'm going to cry.
I want to cut up my ankles.
Please.
For the love of god please let me cut my ankles.
my ankles.
They are almost healed again.
But I can't take it anymore.
It's suffocating.
I'm so tired.
I just want to end the school year and then kill myself.
I don't deserve life.
I won in the lottery of life and I'm going to just waste it.
I'm a waste of existence.
I always wonder.
Will god forgive me for killing my self?
Will he let me go to this so called place named heaven.
Or will he damn to the fiery hells of Satan because I wasted a life.
A meaningless life.
I don't care anymore.
I just want everything to stop.
Please.
I want to die
Please
Let me die
Please
I'm hurting
Please understand
Please know why
I'm sorry
I want to die.

-entry time: 3:34pm

Update:
   
    My ankles are cut up again. I usually cut them up but not enough to make myself bleed.
Thats not the case today.
On my left ankle, I cut too deep and bits of blood started seeping out.
It tingled.
I laid on my bed after that
wondering why I do these things
why.
why am I like this.
why haven't I killed myself.
why am I still breathing.
why am I still here.
why am I cutting
I know I want to die
I know it for a fact
why the fuck can't I do it
why.
It gives me a sickening feeling.
like I'm gonna throw up.
I feel a lot better after going to percussion.
getting away from home.
getting away from my thoughts.
focusing on the music instead of myself.
Pushing away any suicidal thoughts.
Pushing away the over thinking
Thinking on my self harm.
It make me want to throw up, as previously said.
like right now
I feel like I'm about to vomit
I hate myself
Im so fucking disgusting
I want to kill myself.
  -entry time:  9:59pm