depressing thoughts

i

6/17/17

"You look trashy"
"I'm telling your mother how fucking ugly your dressing to go out"
"Why are you dressing like that? You have much better clothes yet you choose to look like a fucking trash bag"
"Trash"
"Ugly"
"So ugly"
"If you yell at me I will hit you"
"An embarrassment"
"Disgusting"
"You look hideous"
_____

   I'm so disgusted with myself.
   I want to throw up.
   Literally, I need to throw up.
   I ate too much.
   I feel disgusted.
   But on a side note,

I went to the movie theatre with 4 of my friends. The other 2 were not invited because 1 friend (the one I have discussed in other entries) said her mother won't allow her to go anywhere if they go. I know she personally doesn't like them either. A bit sad.
I felt terrible when I went.
like I betrayed my other two friends.
I didn't fit in with the 3 I was with.
I felt so
so out of place.
I kept quiet most of the time.
During the movie,

   I came to a thought as I watched the light coming out of the window from up the walls.
what if I died today.
or this week.
or this month?

I wouldn't be able to be here with them anymore.
I won't watch movies anymore.
I won't be breathing anymore.
I won't have to suffer anymore.
I won't have to feel like this anymore.
I won't be living anymore.
I won't remember them anymore.
I won't exist anymore in this world.
And I think that's okay.

I think I would be fine.
I'd be better off dead.
 
   I don't want to live anymore.
nothing is worth living for anymore.
I'm so done.
I just want to
Die.
I want to
kill myself.

   -entry time: 8:27pm