depressing thoughts

e

5/12/18

I am horribly annoying
I don't know what to do anymore
I cant talk about my own issues anymore
I feel like
it's too annoying
to bother anyone but myself
with these thoughts
because I know he would be mad if I told him I was thinking this way
And I know my friend would tell me to
Stop
Because I have a "good" life
I don't know anymore
I am just stuck here
to talk to myself again
like last year
it's scary
I am too afraid to speak anymore
I feel like I get so sad too frequently
that I'll just
annoy people
it just fucks me up
every time I think about it
And it's stupid to take it to heart
but it just affects me so badly
whenever I remember what he told me
"Tone it down a little"
My heart breaks
because I know he meant it
I know he actually meant his words
I don't want to do anything with him anymore
not in public at least
It just makes me feel
horrible
like
maybe he's ashamed of me
ashamed
and I could understand why
even I am ashamed of myself
I am afraid even know to simply text him
because I might come off as
a n n o y i n g
I don't want to bother him
I don't want to bother anyone
if I just
If I had the guts to kill myself last year
I wouldn't have to bother
anyone

-entry time: 10:17 pm