4/30/17 I feel so terrible today. So tired. So heavy. It feels like I'm drowning inside my own thoughts. It feels like I'm going to burst into tears and I don't know why. I don't even want to get up. I spend most of my day laying in bed and just existing in a world where I shouldn't. I am nothing. Not even a whole percentage. I am simply just one out of the billions of people on this earth. If I go it won't change statistics.
I feel so tired. so tired of everything and nothing. So tired of school. So tired of my own thoughts. So tired of my actions. So tired of doing nothing. I'm just tired. I want to go to sleep. An eternal sleep where I will no longer wake up to the reality of my own life. To longer breathe. To no longer be a disappointment. To no longer being an annoyance. To no longer to live. To exist. I feel like I'm going to go through another episode. But I think it's going to last this entire month. I feel terrible. I'm so tired I'm so tired I'm so tired I'm so tire I'm so tir I'm so ti I'm so t I'm so I'm so s I'm so sa I'm so sad because I'm alive.
-entry time: 3:38pm
Update:
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Van Goghs painting is so beautiful. The color yellow is present. Yellow flowers. Something I am not. I aspire to have my flowers look as beautiful as his did. Yellow paint. I would like to believe it was specifically yellow paint he ate Even though no one really knows But I'd rather believe it was yellow I know it's not the truth but I just want to believe that. Yellow A happy color. Something I am not. The cuts on my wrist are almost healed so I don't think I will need a bandaid anymore. I feel horrible again. That they aren't there anymore. I want to cut on my ankle. Just a few cuts won't hurt (mentally). I don't know what else to do. I have no canvas to paint on. Nothing to comfort me other than the painful silence that leaves me with these thoughts. I feel horrible.
