depressing thoughts

i

5/9/17

   I'm so sorry. I don't know why I just wrote that I meant to type tired but maybe my mind is guilty. I'm so tired. very very tired. I only have 5 more weeks of school but im just so tired. Pulled in every direction.  Feeling terrible. Feeling empty. Numb. Confused. I don't know how to even express myself. I want to cut up my skin again. I wanna see my skin looking different again.
  I sometimes wonder how life would be like without me.
without me there to exist.
how it wouldn't be different
How nothing would change.
How everyone hates me.
How I hate myself
how annoying i must be
A nuisance to everyone around me.
A waste of space.
just there.
I'm there to just exist.
  My friends could get over it easily.
  I don't really talk a lot to my friends expect for one.
But she's the one who threatened to tell the school about my cuts if I didn't show her.
she's the one who acted as if she never found out I cut the next week but continued to pull up my sleeves a bit to only reveal a bandaid I had on.
I'm sure I won't be missed by her and them.
My friends could part their ways. Friend 1,2, and 3 could all stay together as friends. Friends 4 and 5 could do the same. They are close to each other. I'm not.
I'm just there.
Unimportant.
I'm nothing to them.
As for family.
they can cheer for my death.
I'm a disgusting daughter.
Fat.
Ugly.
Stupid.  even though I have a 4.0
I'll never be good enough
until I'm beautiful.
and I'm not

   -entry time: 2:31pm