depressing thoughts

l

7/8/18

I talked to him
a few nights ago
about how
I felt
But only after
I talked about a future with him
And he told me to
"Not look too far because we never know what could go wrong between us"
I swear on my life
I could
feel
my heart breaking
It physically hurt
so bad
within seconds
he hurt me
He only heard silence from me
until I spoke
"you don't think we can't last that long? Or at all?"
I knew
That he knew
he fucked up again
he told me that wasn't it, and that he meant he just doesn't like looking into the future because he has his own view of his future and due to things in his life he won't be able to live them.

But that didn't help me
And it was silence

Then he realized he hurt me

And tried to explain he wasn't leaving me

"I'm not saying this as in I have a day already set where we won't be with each other anymore, and I hope we never will because I can give up so many things in my life. But the only thing I'll never give up on is us."

that made me feel better
but
he already said what he said
I know the truth

That's when I spilled
I told him how his words haunt me
How im so scared to annoy him
how I sometimes avoid talking to him
because I don't want to bother
or be too much
or be who I am

He told me he was sorry
he shouldn't have said what he said, that it's his fault I am like this with him and I shouldn't feel scared to talk to him.
He's right
I was comfortable
so nice
Before
he hurt me with his words
All I could say was
"I know it's okay"

And he said
"No it's not okay because even right now I don't know what to say without messing up and making things worse and with the silence I'm giving you it just makes you believe that what I said before confirms what your thinking"

and once again
He's right

I felt like he does think I'm annoying
I know how I am
I am clingy
I love affection
I love giving affection
I love giving so many hugs
so many kisses
so many "I love you's"
I just love to give my 100%
And I'm scared
is it too much?
and that I shouldn't love him that hard

he says the wrong things
and it always hurts me
more than I expect
more than I can handle
and right now
it's keeping me up
because I can't shake it off
this
feeling
of
pure
fear
I just want to apologize to him
about how I am

entry time: 2:29 am

I want to text him this
but I'm a coward

It's late and I cant sleep because I cant stop thinking about wanting to apologize to you on how I am. I'm so sorry you have to deal with me a lot I'm always so sad or I'm so needy and I just want you to give me love (or I want to give you love) all the time or to talk to you but I should probably give you some space or moments to yourself. I'm sorry im so bothering or annoying because I know how I am even if I don't mean to I always fuck up and annoy people at some point even my own closest friends tell me I'm annoying to them so I know I annoy you at some point even if you don't want to admit it. I just feel so bad that I'm like this and you don't really deserve someone as bad as me because you deserve the world and that is something I am not. I'm afraid to talk to you too much because I feel like Im just so annoying to you and you don't want to be with me anymore. I'm sorry I am so horrible I'm sorry you chose to be with me when you can do so much better. I'm sorry.

entry time: 2:38 am