Can You Keep A Secret?

Chapter Twenty-Five

-Rye's POV-

I couldn't remember the last time I'd gotten a good night's sleep. On Thursday I simply crashed around 5:00AM, only to be woken up an hour later to practice for the show at the studio. I kept almost falling asleep during the day, but when the nighttime came, I was wide away, restless and unable to close my eyes for too long.

Last night I'd sat in the hallway resting against the wall, softly strumming Andy's guitar and testing out melodies, writing down lyrics, until somebody yelled at me to be quiet. We'd spent the first half of today at the studio as well, until Blair told us to relax before the show tomorrow.

Normally that would involve some antics, somebody doing a live.ly, the general happiness and chaos that came when you lived with four other boys, but lately things had been weird, and not just for me – Things had been tense between Liv and Mikey, and every so often one of them would yell something snippy, and it would start blowing up into a full-on argument until someone, usually Brooklyn, split them up.

Brooklyn acted as a peacemaker, constantly fretting over everyone, trying to make everyone okay when he wasn't even alright himself. Andy was more drained and quiet than usual, still hiding what he'd done the other day. And Jack? Well, he just dealt with his problems by sleeping them away – He got all the extra sleep that I was missing out on.

In all out time as a band, we had never been so disconnected before, and I think we were all hoping that doing the show, performing for our fans, doing what we loved, and doing it together, would bring back what we were missing. I wanted to make more of an effort to fix things, but I was always tired, always a little shaky, always a little paranoid, and now I was filled with the overwhelming desire to go to the impromptu memorial for the victims of the shooting at Slough Station – Even though I'd promised to keep away, to protect my identity, keep it a secret, I felt a connection to them, and to the people who had gone through this with me and lived.

I got up the nerve to ask Blair about it in the hallway, but he told me I couldn't – And, for some reason, even though everyone had been willing enough to backflip through anything I needed in the past few days, his denial to my request infuriated me. I felt the need to attend this like I felt the need to breathe, was convinced that maybe it would unchain me, allow me to fucking sleep again.

I got tired of debating too easily, knowing that time was precious, and that I'd already missed most of it.

"You know what? Fuck this." I grabbed a hat and a pair of sunglasses before skipping down the stairs, two, three at a time, each hard knock when I landed making my shoulder throb. I didn't care, I no longer lived with any inhibitions.

The entire time driving over, I kept anxiously peering in the rearview mirrors, almost expecting the police to be following behind me. It was my first time going anywhere alone since it had happened.

My pulse raced as I stepped towards the entryway once I arrived, the emotions crashing back down on me like stepping into a waterfall. I adjusted the brim of my hat, pushed my sunglasses on, almost certain that nobody would recognize me. I gripped the rose that I'd plucked out of a bush on my way out as some sort of second thought, feeling the thorns digging themselves into my palm.

I held my breath walking in, and the memorial caught my attention straightaway – There were cards, teddy bears, flowers, candles burning. It was a display of color, of love, of undeniable sadness, but also of the prevalence of the human spirit throughout it all.

I felt a lump form in my throat, tears starting to break the dam that I'd put up. Nevermind stepping under a waterfall, I was a waterfall. I let myself sob as I dropped the rose, my meager addition to it all – But at least it was something.

When I looked at my hand, it was pricked with drops of blood. I was human. When I got hurt, I bled. And I let my heart bleed out, all over this wretched place, all over the world.