Can You Keep A Secret?

Chapter Forty-Four

           

-Andy's POV-

            There was no way to describe what I felt other than numb. I didn't feel any happiness or relief or whatever when Liv invited me to lay beside her. I was hyperaware that Mikey was right on the other side of the bed, and that I was the odd man out. At the same time, it was almost as if I didn't even care. I had burn out after hearing them profess their never ending love for each other in the hallway.

            The entire thing felt pointless, like a game that I had lost a long time ago, but was only just realizing that that was so. I knew that I would always merely be a third wheel, that she would never feel so strongly for me, not the way that I did for her. The way that I wanted her to.

            I'd waited for both of their breathing to slow before climbing out of the bed and going back to their guest room to pack up my things. Her mother had still been awake, sipping a cup of tea in their kitchen with the light on low. There were no feelings of guilt or nostalgia as I asked if it would be possible for me to borrow their car and go to the train station.

            She'd looked up at me, mildly concerned and confused, and I'd done my best to give her a small, tired smile. She'd asked where I was going, and why it had to be done so late at night – Why didn't I get a good night's sleep and leave in the morning? I had no desire to stay, not with Mikey around as well, so I came up with some bullshit excuse that Rye's family had called and asked me to come over since Mikey had gone

            She'd nodded, understanding, and gave me her permission to go, forgetting that I'd broken my phone and never gotten a replacement. She went along for the ride, making the food point that she would have to drive it back home.

            I didn't feel awkward, or sad, or anything as we spent most of the drive in silence. She broke the quiet once we arrived, getting out of the car with me and gathering me in a strong, motherly hug before firmly grasping my arms and saying, "Stay safe, Andy."

            For a split second, I felt a flash of regret, but then it was gone again. I promised to call them once I got to Rye's house, and did a quick goodbye wave before walking away, possibly leaving all of that behind – Liv, her mum, Mikey, their house – For good.

            The earliest train wasn't for a few hours, and I wasn't actually sure where I wanted to go, so I wandered around aimlessly. I didn't really want to go to Rye's – He must be going through a difficult time himself. He didn't need me there, a big ball of misery that would only make things worse.

            I didn't want to go to Brooklyn's, either – Although I'm sure his family would be eager enough to take me in, I was tired of being such a burden. And, I didn't know how he was doing – If he was just as happy and bubbly as ever, I didn't think I'd be able to take it. I didn't have the money or the motivation to put in the effort to get to Jack. I certainly had no plan on going back home, and although I was devoid of feeling for now, I was afraid of what sort of memories being along in the flat would bring back to the surface.

            I tried to avoid the fact that I had no plan by grabbing something to eat at McDonald's, the first time I'd had food in almost 24 hours. I almost fell asleep sitting on a toilet in one of the stalls, before relocating to an abandoned bench in the middle of the place.

            There was nothing I particularly wanted to do, so I sat there, one leg squished up beside me, the other one dangling off of the side, until they both began to cramp up and morning came around once again. I made a decision to hunker down at an old friend's house.

            We'd been close for a while before they'd moved halfway across the country, but we still texted from time to time. He had a sort of bachelor pad – A perfect place to relax, drink, avoid any serious subjects, drink some more, and reforget. I was actually sort of proud of my plan as I bought my train ticket.

            In the back of my mind, I suppose that I hoped somebody would come running to stop me. Well, let's be honest – By "somebody," I meant Liv. Hair and eyes wild, and short of breath, she'd have realized that she was in love with me all along, and then we'd kiss right there, in front of everyone, and she'd take me back home.

            That's what would've happened if it was a movie, anyways – But this was real life. Nobody stopped me, or even spoke to me, as I boarded the train and prepared myself for the long journey. There was no use dreaming – It was better off this way.