Can You Keep A Secret?

Chapter One Hundred and Fourteen

           

-Andy's POV-

            When I was younger, I always knew that there were two people that I could never live without – Liv, and my mother. My mum had always been my stone, more than making up for my dad's absence in my life. She gave up everything for me. She was my hero, and I trusted her with everything. But, recently, I'd allowed our relationship to slide, and while she used to know me better than I knew myself, there were now big gaps in my life that she knew nothing about. Important ones. And whilst breaking apart from your parents is an important part of growing up, I felt guilty. I had the right to keep secrets, of course, but this felt really big. As nerve wracking as this confession would be, I still wanted to tell my mum.

            I was hit with a wave of emotions as soon as I walked through the door. I was reminded again of how little time I had spent here over the last break – I'd been avoiding her, and for more reasons than just because I'd wrecked my car. She would be the last person that I told, probably because it would mean the most for both of us.

            Just like with Liv, I almost backed out of it, but this time, I knew that I had no choice. I couldn't write it out in a letter – It had to be told face to face. The house was quiet as I set my bags down in my room.

            I took a moment to gather my courage – I thought of Rye, telling the world what had happened to him, telling us how he felt, taking the train journey alone. I thought of Brooklyn and how he was going to have to be a father. I thought of Jack, getting the nerve to admit that he wanted to come back to Road Trip, of how we set the balloons free in Rosie's memory. I thought of Liv, who had handled everything that life threw out her in stride – The shooting, her panic attacks, the mystery illness. I thought of Mikey owning up to his mistakes. I thought of myself, and how I'd managed to tell Liv what I'd done. How I'd given her the letter.

            You'd think that practice would make this easier, but I was still terrified. Terrified, but ready, and I set out to search for my mum. I found her in the kitchen – She was facing away from me, looking for something in the fridge.

            "Hi, mum. I'm home," I said softly to alert her to my presence. She turned around, a bottle of milk in her hands, and her face broke out into a smile. She set it down on the counter before coming over to me and wrapping me up in a massive hug that said more than words ever could. I breathed in her scent, which usually worked to calm me down, but this time, it only reminded me of the task that lay ahead of me. How was I supposed to tell the woman that brought me to life that I had tried to end it?

            "I missed you," She said as she pulled back, grabbing my face with her hands as it to make sure that it was really me, that I was really there.

            "I missed you too." Now was the time. I had to make the confession at my very first opportunity to do so, or else the anticipation would swallow me alive. I waited before she had crossed back over to the counter before speaking again.

            "Mum? I have something to tell you." I nearly choked on the words as they came out.

            "Mmmhmm, and what's that? Oh, I was just making some tea. Would you like a cup?" She looked at me from over her shoulder.

            "I'm good." I felt myself beginning to tremble, and I was surprised that I was able to stay standing at all. "Actually, it's...it's kind of important."

            Maybe she understood that this wasn't a conversation she could have half-distracted, because she stopped what she was doing and came over to me. She pulled out two chairs, and I collapsed into mine gratefully.

            "Andy? What is it?" Her voice was now loaded with a motherly sense of concern, and I could tell that she loved me, that she cared about me. Even though I'd expected it to be difficult, it was even worse than I'd thought it would be.

            "Mum, I-" I stopped. A few tears slipped out when I blinked.

            "You what? What's wrong?" She leaned over and grasped my hand within hers. Inhaling hurt as I tried again.

            "Mum, I – About two months ago, I...I almost drowned." Her initial response was panic.

            "What? How did that happen? Why didn't you tell me?" I had no choice but to continue now. I couldn't look at her as I spoke, so I looked down at my feet instead. My voice came out as a whisper.

            "It wasn't an accident. It was on purpose." I found the strength to look up at her, and her image was blurred by tears as my eyes began to overflow. "Mum, I tried to kill myself."

            She didn't say anything, just stood up and gathered me into a hug as I sobbed against her shoulder. She rubbed her hand in circles on my back, and there was not a worse or better moment as we stood there, holding on as if for our lives, in an instance that seemed to carry on into infinity.