Can You Keep A Secret?

Chapter Forty-Seven

-Rye's POV-

"Any particular reason why you're so antsy today?" Dr. Stevens asked, sitting patiently and calmly, waiting for me to open up to him. I wanted so badly to hate him, but I felt drained for a lack of sleep and an excess of worry.

"Yeah. I shouldn't be here," I said, staring at the door, wondering if he would try and stop me if I booked it out of there. I would probably be able to outrun him in a foot race.

"And why do you think that?" He asked, as unshaken as ever.

"Look, it's nothing against...This, or therapy or whatever, okay? I...I know that there's, there's a problem with me and it sucks and I know that I need to do something about it. But there's more important things going on right now."

"I'm glad that you've realized that your recovery is important. But what do you think is more important than it?" A cool anger seethed within me. He thought he knew everything, but he didn't. He didn't know shit.

"Because my friend is missing, okay? And I shouldn't be wasting my time here talking, I should be out looking for him." My words came out hot and angry.

"Would you like to tell me more about this missing friend of yours?" He asked, leaning back and adjusting his glasses. His seeming nonchalance only irritated me further.

"As much as I'd love to sit and chat all day, I really don't have the time for that," I said, resorting to sarcasm. I was silent for a moment. "He really needs to be found," I added, the fury slowly leaving and deflating me like a balloon. The words came out weaker than I expected them to.

"It's been over 24 hours now. He doesn't have a phone with him. He can't be contacted or located. He isn't with anybody that we know. He's just...gone."

"Do you think maybe he doesn't want to be found?"

"That's what I'm afraid of," I say, and I feel vulnerable admitting it. I squeeze my eyes shut, unsure if I should reveal the other half of it. For his part, Dr. Stevens is silent until I'm ready to speak again. I shuffled around uncomfortably, feeling guilty that I was about to spill his secret.

"He tried to kill himself a couple weeks ago," I whispered, almost as if my crime wouldn't be as bad if I didn't say it loudly. "And, I don't...I don't know what he's going to do."

"Do you have any idea why he did it?" He asked. I shook my head no. "It sounds like he's gone in more than one way for you. Are you afraid that he might try to do something like that again?" He asked.

I nodded, digging the palms of my hands into my eyes, trying to hold back any unwanted tears.

"Do you feel any guilt for it?"

I took in a deep, shuddery breath.

"It's not a matter of guilt. I know that it's my fault. I was...I was there. And, he told me to keep it a secret and I did, I fucking did."

"But do you think you're the reason that he did it?"

"I don't know. Maybe? I don't know much of anything anymore."

"Are you the only other person who knows?" He pushed for details. I shook my head.

"A couple other people. His best friend. Our manager. But, like, that was it. Not enough. And now there isn't going to be anyone there to save him. So I really need to go, okay?" I said, hoping that he understood the urgency of the situation now.

"There's only 20 minutes left of our session," he pointed out. "I suppose I can't force you to stay, but I'd like to talk a little more about this guilt that you're feeling. It seems like this is also playing a part in the problem."

"Every moment counts," I snapped. "Can't you just prescribe me some medication or something and save us both a lot of time and money? I'll be back with the band soon, whatever's left of it. I have a full time job, yeah? I'm not going to be able to do this three times a week or whatever the fuck you're expecting of me."

"I try not to prescribe medicine right away, or have somebody rely on it entirely. However, if it's something that you really want, we can look into that option for you. But I think you can benefit from talk therapy, even if our visits aren't as frequent."

"I don't know. I just wish there was, like, some miracle cure or something. Better yet, the ability to just go back in time and prevent any of this from ever happening."

"I'm sorry that I can't do that for you," Dr. Stevens said, sounding truly sympathetic even though I was sure he dealt with plenty of other people just like me every day. "But I am on your side. I'm trying to help you, but you have to help me help you, okay?" I nodded reluctantly.

"Our time is up now. Good luck finding your friend."

I was already halfway out the door before he even finished speaking. It was becoming increasingly difficult for me to even want to fix myself when everyone else was breaking around me.