Can You Keep A Secret?

Chapter One Hundred and Seven

-Rye's POV-

I woke up alone, except for a teddy bear that I vaguely remembered grabbing in the night. I'd had no plans of falling asleep – I'd thought, for sure, after what I had seen, that there would be no way I'd be able to – but somehow, all of the factors had aligned to grant me a peaceful, dreamless rest. The warm tea, cuddly blanket draped around me, and the feel of Andy's arm wrapped around my back, along with the knowledeg that he was there had comforted me enough to allow me to give into the exhaustion. However, the circumstances that I was in now were starkly different – The blanket was strewn haphazardly across the bed, kicked off in the night, and not only was Andy not beside me, but the entire room was devoid of other human life.

My heart began to pound, and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to convince myself that the terrible conclusions that my mind immediately jumped to probably weren't true, or even likely. The flush of a toilet made me jump, but it was followed by Brooklyn wandering back into the room. His hair was matted up in a crazy bed-head style, and he was shirtless for the first itme since I'd helped him clean up his wounds. Whilst the evidence of whatever he'd gotten himself into was still there, he looked a lot better now – A lot less Rocky post losing a fight, and a lot more on the mend. The cuts were less angry red and defiant, the bruises were fading into lighter shades of purple and green, and the color had returned back to his face, so he didn't look so pale and sickly.

"Where are the others?" I asked, and he had to think about it for a moment before answering.

"Andy and Jack are off on errands for Blair, and Mikey hasn't gotten back yet. Uhmm, speaking of which, Blair said he wanted to speak to you once you got up. I'll go get him," and then he was gone again.

I looked down at the time on my phone to squash down any fears that Mikey was stuck in a repeat situation of what Liv and I had been in – 10:00. He shouldn't be back for at least another hour. Still, I texted him to make double sure, and a reply pinged back almost instantly – "All good. See you soon." I looked up to see both Blair and Brooklyn, but Brook headed off into the kitchen to give us some privacy

"So, the boys told me what happened last night," he said, and I nodded slowly, unsure of where this was going. I thought of the little girl crying and screaming for her dad, the blood splattered on the floor and the devastated expressions of the paramedics as they set about their job.

"Now, I know that on some level, it's out of your control, but if you feel something coming on, please try not to do it where the fans can see. We've all been through a lot lately, but you still have a reputation to uphold. You're going to start losing fans if you're constantly acting like you're seeing ghosts." It was only now that his nice-guy act wore through and his patience broke. He'd been fairly decent whilst handling everything, but what he said now made me want to scream – We'd been through a lot? Did Blair get shot? Did he have any idea of just how often that I tried to hide what I was feeling? How much I hated the flashbacks, how last night made me feel so weak and afraid, like I was right back at square one?

Instead of exploding onto him, I angrily muttered, "I didn't know it was going to happen."

"Yeah, well. Keep it in mind for next time." He patted my shoulder, which sparked a wave of pain so strong that I bit the teddy's ear to keep from screaming out. I was trying to get the bits of fur off of my tongue when the door opened and the flat burst into sound. I could hear Andy's laughter as he walked into the room, and watched Jack ask Brooklyn if he was planning to get up and act like a human being today.

"No," Brooklyn said, making his voice gruff. "Today, I plan to be an alien."

I tried to relax into the laughter and happy vibes, but I couldn't. Instead, I thought about how my head had pounded when I saw the flashing red, how I felt myself losing my grip on reality as I was transported back to that place. I had felt just as afraid as I'd been then, and it didn't go away the moment I opened my eyes – I'd had to take a second to adjust to my surroundings, and, in that transitioning period, I'd worried that I'd be stuck at Slough Station forever.

I had hated myself when I'd seen the looks on the faces of the people around me, who'd had to witness what I'd gone through – I'd rather suffer in private. I couldn't explain what it was like to anyone who hadn't gone through it, and couldn't bring myself to throw out empty condolences. I was full of both shame and anger – I was sorry that the girls had to see it. But, yeah, I was so so sorry for the damage that my dealing with PTSD must have done on you. My deepest regrets that you had to witness my own fucking suffering.

I think that Andy could tell that I was beginning to get trapped in my own head again, because he climbed up beside me, his hands cupped together.

"I stopped and got you something when we were out," He said, grinning. He opened his hands to reveal a small musical note charm resting in his palm. "Just something that you can hold onto over the break and stuff, as a reminder that even when you're alone, you're not really alone. Like, I feel bad that I won't be with you. So it's just to help you remember that you've got this, and we're all no further than a phone call away."

"Thank you," I said, picking it up. I clipped it onto one of my bracelets, looking around the room and taking in the scene – Jack was eating a pot noodle, Brooklyn was singing some nonsense primary school song, Andy was right beside me, looking at me hopefully, and Mikey was on his way. I pressed the charm against my thumb, wishing that I could imprint this memory into it, wishing that I could choose other, happier times to transport back to.

"I love it," I said honestly. Maybe this was the first step to that.