Can You Keep A Secret?

Chapter Nine

-Rye's POV-

Every time I closed my eyes, what had happened this afternoon played back again. I couldn't wrap my head around how everything had been so goddamn normal – We'd been eating ice cream, sticking our heads in the fridge, and then...Everything changed in the blink of an eye. In the splash of water after a dive. It suddenly annoyed me that we'd been thinking about such trivial things as the heat.

I remembered how small and weak he'd seemed – I saw a side of Andy today that I'd never seen before, that I was willing to bet he kept hidden for as much of the time as possible, that he only revealed to people if it was absolutely dire. I knew that I'd promised myself to be patient, that Blair would keep him safe, but I sent him another text anyways – "How's Andy holding up?"

I stared at my phone anxiously, eyes burning until he replied – "Still waiting to be admitted. He's asleep on my shoulder. Stop worrying." I wanted to march over to A&E myself and demand that they help him. Instead, I forced myself to put my phone away. I turned over, trying to fall asleep myself, but I knew that they attempt would be futile. I shoved my face into my pillow, trying to shut my brain off, but I couldn't.

I thought of sitting beside him, trying to coax him to come back to the flat with me, and how he would seemingly drift away before my eyes, traveling to who-knows-where in his own head, then telling me he wasn't ready yet. I wished that I knew where he went, that I could've followed him, saved him from whatever horrors awaited him there. I would've sat with him there silently for days if that was what it took – But instead I sat there feeling useless, not knowing if my presence was a help to him at all, fearing that he wished I'd left him there to drown. I shuddered at the thought even now.

I thought about the relief I felt upon seeing Brooklyn, who was a valid reason to head back – But it had melted as I had to whisper to Andy that he could do it, force him to go such a way when I could see that every step pained him. I was torn, forced to choose between what was best for him, and what he wanted, not even knowing for sure if I always knew which was which.

I'd almost been paralyzed with fear when he collapsed when we came in, wondering if he would ever feel okay again, in any aspect of the world. Having to carry him to bed was the worst feeling – it was horrible to see him so weak. This wasn't the strong and happy Andy that I knew. The fear stayed with me as I spoke to Blair about it, feeling as if I was spilling a secret that wasn't even mine to share.

"Rye?" Brooklyn whispered, breaking me out of my thoughts. "You're not asleep yet, are you?" I rolled over to see him there, probably standing on top of the bottom bunk on his tippy toes.

"No," I said. I probably wouldn't be tonight.

"Can I join you, please?" Usually I would say no, but tonight I was welcome to the thought of having someone beside me – And, other than that, he looked so young and innocent standing there, as if he was crawling into his parent's bed after a bad dream – if only this were a dream.

I moved over to make room for him, and he climbed in beside me. To think, he was this scared, and he didn't even know the truth. My heart clenched at the thought of him, of all of them, finding out – I needed to keep this secret, not just for Andy's protection, but for theirs as well. He wrapped his arms around me, snuggling in closer. I didn't bother to try and push him off – I didn't want to lose any of these boys. I liked feeling his breathing against me. Brook would still be Brook, and in a few days, he would bounce back to normal – He never stayed down for too long. I wished that I could say the same about myself.

I thought about Liv and Mikey cuddled up somewhere in this room, thought about how she'd have to be leaving soon. I wasn't sure how to news would have to be broken – She was practically the sixth member of the band by how long she'd been hanging around. Mikey would be devastated once he found out. I didn't like the thought of her leaving, but it was for the best. It would keep all of us alive, and it hurt me that that was the best thing to aim for for now.

As I got lost in my thoughts again, Brooklyn's breathing slowed – He was already asleep. I tried to focus on listening to him breathe, hoping that, if I was going to pull an all-nighter, I could at least try to do so without my mind constantly screaming at me – But, no, nothing worked. My heart was broken, and I wondered if it would ever feel whole again.