Can You Keep A Secret?

Chapter One Hundred and Eleven

-Andy's POV-

The day had not been an easy one. As much as I tried, it was hard to smile and laugh and act like a normal human being when the sadness and anxiety constantly tickled the back of my throat. Every time I took a step, the envelope shifted in my pocket and rubbed against my chest.

I wanted to burn it, act as if it had never existed, zip my mouth shut and never speak again. I also wanted to blurt it out, get it out there, get it over with – I'd tried to say it a couple of times, considering that the letter was only a backup plan, after all, but every time, I failed. Now was my last chance, and I felt like crawling out of my skin.

The note was starting to burn in my pocket, and I was surprised that Liv couldn't see it shining in there. We were at our favorite café, sitting with our last cups of tea – Liv was enjoying hers, and I was using mine as an excuse not to speak. I studied her face as she sipped, memorizing every detail, just in case she never wanted to see me again once she knew. She looked up to return my gaze and did a little quirk of the mouth that she always pulled when she was confused or concerned.

"Andy, what's up? Why you looking so glum?" She asked, eyes searching mine. "You gonna miss me?" I knew that she was teasing, but the sentence made me want to explode. Yes, I was going to miss her! I already did, even now, when we were still together, because her heart belonged to somebody else. Why else would she be taking Mikey to New York and not me? Ruining our annual tradition for something that might not even last? For somebody who didn't love her half as much as I did?

I didn't say anything, though, just made a weak attempt at smiling, which I knew she would be able to see right through. We'd always known each other better than anyone else in the world, so how could she never have known the way that I felt about her? She didn't feel the same way. I knew that she didn't feel the same, and my mind was screaming "Abort mission! Abort!"

I tried to get it out one last time, already knowing that it was useless. It was getting more difficult with each passing moment to imagine even giving her the envelope, so I knew that it was now or never. I pushed back from the table, concentrating on standing tall and not passing out or bursting into tears or throwing up.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this," I said, reaching for the envelope and tossing it onto the table. As a last second idea, I added, "Don't open it until you're in New York," and then I was walking away as fast as I could without straight up sprinting.

Inside that envelope were two very important things – A check for £9k for her to go to university, and a letter explaining one or two things. Yesterday, I'd written and written and rewritten it, trying to get it just right. I'd finally decided on a satisfactory draft, but it was laden with ink marks and words crossed out and an entire paragraph scribbled out. I'd copied it onto a better sheet of paper, and the handwriting came out a bit shaky, but it was done. And now, unknowingly, Liv held in her hands the knowledge that I loved her. That I always have.

My head pounded, but I had to keep walking. I had to keep going. My to-do list was not quite finished, but I had a feeling that completing this wouldn't make the next one any easier. I kept the piece of glass with me now, as if a constant reminder that there would always be another way out, but I didn't want to die, at least not yet.

I took in breath after raggedy breath, feeling my lungs fill and then deflate. The worst part was over – Now all that I had to do was wait.