Can You Keep A Secret?

Chapter Sixty-Five

       

-Liv's POV-

            The flat was busy, crowded and noisy, and I was surprised that weren't noise complaints filed against us more often.

            In a way, the commotion was comforting – Whilst the silence had been relaxing, it reeked of unease and sadness and was the biggest sign that something was off. At the same point, though, the flat now seemed smaller than it really was, due to the sheer number of people in it.

            There was me, the boys, Blair, Brooklyn's girlfriend, and Harvey – And although I knew everyone but Stacey, I could feel my anxiety rising, just like that day at the mall. I climbed up onto Andy's bed, attempting to control my breathing and to partly avoid everyone until the thought of speaking didn't make me want to break down.

            I sat with my head between my legs, trying to shove everything out of my brain, and convince myself that everything was okay – I wasn't at the train station. Nobody would hurt me. I was okay. I was okay. But my heart still raced and I found myself shaking. If nothing was wrong, then why was the world collapsing around me?

            Deep breathing would do nothing to prevent the bunk bed from buckling in, or the roof from caving in, or the windows all shattering at once. I was simply waiting, breathing out the end of the world.

            Suddenly, I heard the bed creak beside and I was fully certain that it was truly happening – My mind was so strong as to predict the future, as to destruct a building and all the people in it like an earthquake – But nothing happened after that initial creak except for a hand resting on my back and a softer whisper of "It's okay, you're safe, nothing bad will happen."

            I didn't want to look as I was helped off of the bed and guided out of the flat and into the night. I wiped my cheeks and took shuddery breaths until the panic attack lost its complete grip on me, and I was able to regain some control.

            I looked up to see Andy beside me – He'd simply gotten me out of the situation that had sparked it and stood beside me, offering his company and silent support. I'd needed that more than he knew.

            "Are you feeling any better now?" He asked, feeling my gaze upon him. I nodded and leaned against him, feeling drained, almost as if the anxiety had come, stolen all of my resourced, and then left.

            An idea struck me, though, as we stood there, him supporting me and playing with my hair. Time and again, he had been there to help me through my worst. And me? I hadn't been there when he tried to drown himself, or when he crashed his car. I hadn't even tried to stop him from running away, even though my gut had warned me that something was wrong. And, when he came back? I didn't hold him or tell him that I loved him or that I couldn't live without him.

            "I'm sorry," I said, absentmindedly reaching up to touch my cheek and finding that it was once again soaked with tears.

            "Sorry for what?" He asked, holding me tighter. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

            "I don't just mean tonight," I said, shaking my head. "Although I do apologize for breaking down on you. I mean, for everything. Especially the other night. I've been a terrible friend, and I'm sorry."

            "Liv, no" He said, his voice firm.

            "Yes," I said, cutting him off before he could say more. "I don't, think you know how much you mean to me. You, you're always here for me and I should've done the same. Fuck," I sobbed. "I didn't do, didn't see anything and even afterwards...You might not even be here right now."

            I couldn't say any more, had no way to express the ache in my heart that throbbed when my mind strayed to imaging a world without him. He was my rock, my strength, my best friend in the entire world. He moved around, standing so close that I could feel his breath as he rested both hands on the sides of my face.

            "Olivia," He said, and usually somebody using my full name would irritate me, but it never did with him. "I love you, and you're human. We are all human. We all make mistakes. You didn't see anything because I didn't want you to see. I don't want you to apologize or blame yourself for anything." He kissed me just beside my lips before looking me in the eyes, showing me just how sincere he was.

            "I love you," I said, unsure if any other words would fit. And I did – I had the strongest platonic love for him than I had ever had with anyone else. Maybe it wasn't a lot, but I hoped he could feel it – From this day on, I made it my own mission to make sure that he never felt alone.