Can You Keep A Secret?

Chapter Thirty-Six

-Andy's POV-

The heat was so intense that it made my belly ache as I sat on Liv's front porch beside her, sipping lemonade and taking random nonsense. I'd gone home, but only to grab my bags, which I'd left unpacked on the floor of my room, and to briefly explain what had happened to my mom before narrowly escaping the scathe of her wrath.

Now I'd basically moved into Liv's for the week, both she and her family welcoming me back with loving arms – Just like old times. I'd carefully skipped around any sensitive topics about what had happened the week before, although Liv seemed pretty determined to try and push some information out of me.

It wasn't like I blamed her for it – It was confusing to me, so I could only imagine how scary it must be for her, especially after what happened to Rye...There were some things that couldn't be spoken about, some secrets that had to be kept, but I didn't want to hurt her, and I sympathized with what she must be going through, so I tried to come up with a solid reason as to why I did what I did when she pestered me about it yet again.

I looked down at my cup, swirling the straw around as I spoke.

"Nobody loves me," I said. I could tell that she wasn't satisfied with this answer, and her shoulders tensed up as if she was about to fight me on it. I knew Liv – She would make a chart and write descriptions of every single person who had ever shown affection to me in my entire life if she wanted to prove her point.

She didn't, though, maybe due to how the heat made everything sluggish on the lazy Sunday.

"I love you, silly," she said, gently shoving me shoulder. I let out a sigh.

"No, you don't. You love Mikey," I argued, stubborn in the fact that I was right.

"Can't I love both of you?" She asked, eyebrows crinkling together as I risked a glance at her.

"Not in the same way," I muttered, knowing that I was treading dangerous waters here.

"What do you mean?" She asked, a little concern creeping into her tone of voice.

"Nevermind," I replied quickly, changing my mind. The subject was rapidly turning to what I really felt, and I wasn't ready to let that out quite yet.

"How can I prove to you that I love you?" She asked, a small smile dancing across her face as she made her act of defiance. I spoke quickly, before I could change my mind again.

"I dunno, kiss me, maybe?" I shrugged, playing it off as if the idea had just come to me on the fly – That it wasn't something I'd been dreaming of for years. She raised an eyebrow, but leaned over to me – My heart began to race in a sort of excited, nervous anticipation. It dropped again as her lips hit my cheek, and I wanted to slap myself for being so stupid – Did I really think it would be that easy?

I was suddenly desperate for it, convinced that this one simple act could fix all that was wrong and renew my will to live again. I shifted, my gaze landing on the house across the street from us.

"You kiss Mikey on the lips," I said, mindlessly swiping my tongue across my own.

"Well, he's my boyfriend," She retorted, as if it was that simple and obvious. Yeah, Mikey's her boyfriend. Not you. She would never kiss you, you dimwit.

"And I'm just your best friend," I said, the need to bolt festering inside of me.

"JUST my best friend?" She asked, and I could hear the skepticism in her voice.

"I'm your sidekick," I joked, in a desperate attempt to turn the conversation back around. Her face gradually melted into a playful grin.

"Nah, I'm your sidekick," she said. I gave her a half smile.

"I love you, Liv," I said, hiding my confession in plain sight.

"I love you too, Andy," she said, her tone serious, her eyes as kind and honest as always. She had no idea – And I didn't even want to think about what kind of mess it would cause if she found out. Just the thought of the destruction I would wreak – the damage that I had already caused – made me feel repulsed at myself.

I said some excuse about it being too hot before stepping inside. I stood in front of their air conditioner, eyes closed, letting the cool air blow over me. I thought about how Rye and I had stood in front of the fridge. I thought about how I'd cut myself off from the rest of the world by refusing to get a new phone. I thought about breathing in the water, and the feeling of euphoria.

Each steady beat of my heart chastised me for what had happened, and warned me of what was to come. This was only the beginning.

This was only the beginning.