Can You Keep A Secret?

Chapter Fifty-Five

           

-Liv's POV-

            Once again, I found myself unable to sleep – Regret from what I had yelled at Andy gnawed at me, and thunder rumbled, a storm outside to match the one within. Mikey held me close against him, holding me tight to protect me from any fear that I might have, but I couldn't help remembering how scared Andy got of them, and how he was probably laying alone right now.

            I lay there for a couple minutes before finding myself unable to take it anymore. Kissing him softly on the forehead, I slowly slipped away from Mikey, who let out a soft snore, but continued to sleep on.

            A giant flash of lightning illuminated the room as I hesitated before climbing up to Andy's bunk. He was sitting upright, cuddled up into his blanket, even though it was incredibly hot.

            "It is...okay if I stay with you?" I whispered, finding it difficult to forget how he had reacted earlier. How stricken he had looked...But now he nodded, and I stuck my hand out for him to hold. He gripped it hard, and I wasn't sure whether it was his way of forgiving me for earlier, or if it was just out of fear of the storm.

            Either way, I knew that I had an apology to make.

            "I'm sorry," I said, struggling to find that words to make things right when they were what caused the problem in the first place. "I...I didn't really mean what I said earlier, not really. I was just angry. And I think it's like what you said when I got into that fight with Mikey. I got mad because I care about you, not the other way around. I don't like not knowing how you are, and I'm scared, okay? I'm scared because you almost died and not only did I not do anything to stop it, I didn't even know. I...I genuinely can't imagine my life without you, and I don't want to. I love you, Andy, I really do." A loud thunderclap them seemed to shake the flat punctuated my sentence and caused Andy to jump a little.

            "Always gives me a head rush," he laughed softly. "The thunder," he added quickly, by means of explanation. "Sort of an irrational fear, I know, but no matter how many times people have told me it can't hurt me, it still scares the shit out of me. I mean, feel how sweaty my palm is right now." He was right – It had gotten quite slick since I'd first taken ahold of it. He temporarily let go to wipe it on his blanket before grabbing ahold of it again.

            "I always wish that I had some way to block it out completely, you know? Pretend that it isn't there. But you can't. It's one of those things you can't escape, unless you're a cat like Pepper, in which case, you can just hide under the bed." I let out a small giggle. The thunder rumbled again – One of those weird ones that seems to travel as it goes alone.

            I positioned myself so that I was closer to Andy – We sat side by side, holding hands, me leaning against him.

            "Maybe that thunderclap was a good, 'cuz it gave me enough time to think of a metaphor." I got the feeling that, even though he was cracking jokes, that he was finally going to tell me how he was really feeling.

            "I guess that's what's going on right now, sorta. I mean, other than the fact that there is literally a thunderstorm going on outside. Things have been...rough, for sure, and I'm...not always sure that I can get through it. And, I'm thinking things that maybe aren't true, but they're real to me, if that makes any sense."

            "What sorts of things?" I asked, wanting him to know that he could trust me. Hoping that, even after everything, we could still reconnect. That he would pay more attention to all of the years of secret telling that we had shared, that one fight wouldn't change everything, although I knew that things had been off for quite a while now. He closed his eyes and brought his other hand to his head.

            "Bad things, okay? I don't wanna bother you with that stuff."

            "But it wouldn't bother me," I insisted.

            "Okay, well, that's not true," he retorted.

            "Not knowing what's going on with you is what bothers me," I said, leaning over to poke him on the cheek. He made as if to begin talking several times before actually getting something out.

            "I can't," he said, voice cracking as he shook his head.

            "It's okay," I muttered, rubbing his palm with my thumb.

            "No, I know...That it's not. I'm just...Yeah, my actions aren't really justified. But I'm kinda lost because I'm really, really hurting inside and I don't, I can't see if it ever ends. And I can't, I can't like this, and I feel, really truly feel like I'm fucking worthless."

            My heart clenched up as he said it, realizing at last that he wasn't acting out of malice or hatred, or with the intention to harm anyone but himself. I wanted to help him, to open his eyes to the fact that he was not alone.

            "I wish I knew. Andy, me and everyone in this room, are more than willing to help you through this. I would do anything to help make you happy again. Anything. And nothing lasts forever." A streak of lightning flashed across the sky. "Not even this storm."

            Before he had time to answer, the bunk creaked, and Brooklyn popped his head over the edge.

            "Hi," he whispered. "Can I...Can I join yous?" He was like a little kid running into his parents' bed. I looked at Andy to see if it was okay, and he nodded. Brooklyn eagerly climbed up, almost losing his grip and falling when a loud crack of thunder rumbled. He was shaking a little, and he wrapped his arms around himself.

            "If Jack were here he'd probably sleep right through it," he said, and I felt Andy tense up beside me. I squeezed his hand to let him know that it was okay.

            "I dunno. Rye and Mikey might be giving him a run for his money," I commented.

            "I'm not asleep," Rye said from his bed.

            "Please join us, then," Brooklyn pleaded. "I need a thunder buddy. Andy and Liv have got each other, but I'm all alone."

            Rye groaned and pulled his blanket over his head.

            "I'll be your thunder buddy," Andy said, letting go of both me and his blanket to move over to him. Brooklyn immediately flopped against him.

            "You're like a big dog," I said, and he stuck his tongue out at me before promptly covering his face with his hand in response to the lightning. I readjusted myself to be next to Andy again.

            The three of us sat in a row, leaning against each other, maybe a little shaken up, but still here. Still together. Which meant that we had what it took to get through this.

            "It's gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay," I said. And I wasn't just talking about the storm.