Can You Keep A Secret?

Chapter Seventy-Four

-Andy's POV-

What's on your mind?

A new text from Liv popped up on my phone. I'd been unsuccessfully trying to avoid any thoughts of her for the past day and half.

You, I typed out before backspacing and instead sending Nothing.

Her eyes met mine from across the room and I avoided her gaze, looking back down at my phone, heart thrumming in my head, instead of back down in my chest where it belonged. I had taken Mikey's advice and avoided not just Liv but everyone – Well, as best as I could when we all lived in the same flat together. It was a lot more difficult to manage when your head wasn't spinning, a helpful effect of alcohol. I was craving another shot right about now.

The flat was mostly empty – Rye, Brooklyn and Jack had gone out to meet fans, and now the only people left were me, Liv, and Mikey. I turned over, testing the whole "If you can't see it, it isn't there" theory, and considering trying to sleep at 3 in the afternoon when I heard Mikey say "Come on, let's go out," to Liv, and the sound of a door opening and closing.

I unfurled myself like a turtle coming out of its shell, unsure of what to do with myself now that I was alone. As usual, my mind decided that it was a perfect opportunity to go into overdrive, even though it had already been taking way more shifts and working harder than it was getting paid for lately.

This time, however, it took a right at the crossroad, straying off into the happier thoughts, rather than the bumpy road that was lined with monsters on the left. I pictured a future where I had never brought Liv to the flat, or, even better, I had, but she had never found that spark between her and Mikey. I pictured a future where she fell just as deeply into love with me as I was with her.

I would wake up in the morning with her in my arms. I'd get to see all of her quirks and tell her how much I adored all of them. I would be able to intertwine her fingers with mine and kiss her slowly, drinking in every bit of her so I would never forget, but I wouldn't have to, anyways – She would always be there.

I pictured her with only my shirt and socks on, doing her best to dance, although, I'll admit, the only attempts I'd seen her try to were rather frightening. I wouldn't have to worry about loneliness and unreciprocated love or even suicidal thoughts, because such things wouldn't have ever crossed my mind.

The one thing that I wanted to experience more than anything before I died was to feel her lips against my skin, and her fingertips drawing hearts on my hips. It was a desire that would forever go unanswered, a wish that hung in the universe, stuck somewhere among all of the other broken hopes and dreams.

I had gone through a lot in my life – I was all too familiar with the bitter taste of defeat, the ache of a broken heart, and the type of tears that express the sort of pain and misery that words could never even begin to explain. But, somehow, even if it was only for a night, to have Liv be mine would make it all worth it. I would hold her tightly against me and savor everything about the moment, even the pace of her breathing and the beating of her heart. Everything about her and her existence was a miracle to me.

I remembered something that we'd done a lot when we were younger – She would play dot to dot with my freckles and beauty spots, and I'd tell her to stop, but she'd say I wouldn't be me without them. And we had our routines, where it'd take her longer to eat than me – But it took me about 8 years to get my hair how I wanted it to be.

I could hardly imagine worrying about such trivial things now...I guess it's true, that you don't know what you have until you've lost it. I guess I always just assumed that we would grow up to be that perfect couple – Friends from the very start until it blossomed into love.

I recalled the exact moment that I'd known it was love – We were having our usual Friday night sleepover, and I had laughed when she'd yawned because I found it adorable. She'd given me a confused look but not questioned it, instead continuing to pull her hair up into a ponytail. For the life of me, I can't recall what movie we were watching, but I had sat with one hand in the bowl of popcorn and with the other I was absentmindedly stroking her hair.

We'd fallen asleep like that, and I knew, I just knew, that she was the one for me...I couldn't have been older than 12. Of course, I'd had other girlfriends since then, but the true reason that none of those relationships had worked out was because I was saving my heart for Liv. I had always waited for her to realize that she'd been in love with me the entire time, but it never came – Probably because she never was.

And now here we were – She was in a happy relationship with who she presumed was the love of her life, and I was the polar opposite. I loved, but got none in return, and I had saved nothing left for myself.

When I broke out of my reveries, I found that my cheeks were streaked with silent tears, and that I'd written everything I'd been thinking down in the form of a song. After careful consideration, I named it "Song About A Songwriter."

For the first time since I had returned to Liv's house to find Mikey already there, I was coursing with renewed determination, and the recollection of my former plan to help Liv go to university. The money that I had earned had since sat in a bank account, untouched. It wasn't enough to help her. Not yet, that is...

I took out my phone, texting quickly with an old friend of mine that I knew lived in Slough as well. Within minutes, we'd constructed a plan – A risky one, but one that seemed sure of success, anyways. Maybe my hope hadn't run dry quite yet...I was willing to take the chance. For Liv, I was willing to do anything.