Can You Keep A Secret?

Chapter Ninety-Five

-Liv's POV-

It felt weird to be home again, and I wasn't sure if it was a good weird or a bad weird. My parents had made the journey out to Slough for the upper endoscopy – I didn't remember much from it, just feeling like I was going to be ill afterwards and falling back asleep on the cab drive back to the hotel. I'd filled my mum and sister in on the majority of what had happened.

"I've always liked Andy," My mum noted when I got to the kiss.

"But I'm dating Mikey," I reminded her.

"What would Liv and Andy's ship name be? Landy?" My sister had asked.

"Guys, stop. I'm not going to be dating Andy," I whined, but that just set my sister off.

"Ooo, you like him. You're getting all defensive, and...you're blushing! Landy is endgame!"

"I'm blushing because you're teasing me!" I'd yelped. Truth be told, with everything that had happened, I still hadn't gotten around to deliberating over how I really felt about Andy – But, sitting alone in my oddly quiet room, I found that I couldn't avoid it anymore.

He'd always been a steady presence in my life, somebody that I could rely on to be there...If I was being honest, I probably took his presence for granted. I thought about everything that had happened in the past month...He'd left the flat for what was nearly almost the last time after Mikey and I had wandered into the kitchen, and I'd worried that his disappearance was because of us...My heart thudded against my chest, because what had seemed like an illogical conclusion then made perfect sense now.

He'd made sure I was okay after my argument with Mikey, and helped me through my panic attack at the mall, and then again when Stacey was there. In fact, he'd been there to help me through most things, including when I got sick...I thought about when he'd stayed over my house after the car crash. He'd said that he had something to tell me when he'd gotten, but he'd never ended up saying it. I thought about how cute he'd looked in my dad's shirt, and how he'd fallen asleep on my chest, and how he'd said that I didn't love him like I loved Mikey, and he'd gotten upset and left without a trace when he'd seen us together...

I thought about how he looked when he told me that he'd tried to commit suicide. How his face had crumpled when I'd yelled at him. How he'd avoided me because he said that Mikey was jealous. How he'd kissed me...If not for Mikey, would we eventually have gotten together? Did I even like him like that? Did he like me like that? Was that what had been bothering him this entire time, and the true reason that he'd wanted me to leave the flat? I didn't want him to be upset, and I certainly didn't want to be the reason that he was – But there was Mikey to think about, too.

My heart felt torn because I didn't know which way to go. Sure, things with Mikey hadn't been all sunshine and roses, but that was the way that relationships worked, right? Things couldn't be all good all the time, and, when it came down to it, he loved me. I could tell in the way that he kissed me, and how he touched me like I was something precious and fragile, and how he always made sure I buckled in my seat belt and checked to see if I was eating, and how he'd watched me the entire time that I left on the train. He made sure that I'd be okay, but he let me go. If you love her, let her go, right?

At the very least, I needed to try and sort things out with him before I made any decisions, but I wasn't quite ready for that yet. I needed some alone time to try and figure out where my heart was. The weight of the choice began to weight down on me, and I felt the grip of a panic attack start to take ahold of me. But, this time, I didn't have Mikey to check up on me, or Andy to take me out for some air. I simply had to lay, victim of my own thoughts, and wait for it to pass over.

I had to learn how to breathe on my own again. I had to learn how to fend for myself, to make my own choices instead of continuing to have them made for me. The world was caving in around me, so I had to be strong. I had to fight my own way out this time.