Can You Keep A Secret?

Chapter Fifty-Four

           

-Andy's POV-

            It dawned upon me that it was probably a stupid idea – They were all standing right outside. If I was going to try again, I wanted to actually succeed. So I tucked the piece of glass that I had taken from the broken mirror back into my pocket and continued on as if I hadn't just been contemplating whether or not to slit my wrists. With some things, it was better off if nobody knew.

            I opened the doors, stepping back into the main store where, once again, everyone was waiting for me.

            "Can't even take a shit in peace," I joked, trying to keep the mood light. Liv simply glared at me, making me feel uncomfortable.

            "Can I talk to Andy outside for a minute?" She asked, making me even more confused. I could sense that she was mad at me, but I couldn't tell why. She grabbed my wrist and dragged me out of the store.

            There was a small overhang protecting us from the rain pouring down all around us. I focused on how it slammed on the ground, how puddles were already forming, expanding. I imagined the whole world being consumed with water – In a way, it already was. I had never stopped drowning.

            "Andy, look at me." I didn't want to look at her, but I raised my head and did anyways. I focused so hard that my vision went blurry.

            "Why do you keep doing things like this? Why do you think it's okay?" Her voice was quiet, exasperated.

            "I never said I thought it was okay." I said softly.

            "Yet you keep acting as if you do. Going around doing whatever the fuck you want as if there are no consequences, as if there's nobody relying on you."

            "I-" I started to speak.

            "No, you don't get to come out with some bullshit excuse!" She yelled, and I bit back the urge to remind her that she had asked me for an answer. "Do you realize how fucking worried I was about you? How much we all were? Rye was fucking shot, don't you think he's got more important things to focus on right now? Don't you care about anyone other than yourself?" I stood frozen in her accusations.

            "Speak, God damnit!" She said, only confusing me further.

            "I don't know what you want from me," I admitted, afraid that anything I did or said would only outrage her further. There was no good way to explain how I really felt – That I genuinely didn't believe that anyone would care? That I didn't mean to cause so much pain for everyone? That I just didn't fucking know, because I felt like my life was spinning out of control and I had no way to stop it?
             "I want you to take some responsibility for all that pain that you've caused. I mean, we wouldn't even be here if it weren't for you. And maybe things would be okay if you hadn't, you know..." Her voice trailed off as she realized what she was getting at.

            Logically, I realized that she was probably in an emotional state right now, and maybe she didn't mean 100% of what she said. But it was much easier to believe that this is what she really felt, and it confirmed what I'd been fearing.

            Listening to her say these things was like being hit in the chest with a rock. More like a boulder. And that boulder was on fire. And now I was, too. Burning up, wasting away, turning to ashes and dissolving in the rain. Yet, here I was, still standing upright.

            "Can I talk now?" I asked. It was weird, how somebody could still seem normal on the outside; could still be living, breathing, even as you were torn apart from your very skin and bone on the inside. I was pretty sure my lungs had been punctured or crushed or split or destroyed, and yet my chest was still moving up and down.

            I was incalescent, yet cool to the touch.

            Liv nodded, and even though I had the turn to go, I didn't know where to start. For a moment, I focused on the fire before I opened my mouth. I wished that I had acted in that dingy bathroom stall. I wished she had just slapped me. Anything, anything would've hurt less.

            "Well?" She asked, her voice still hard. She'd meant what she'd said. She didn't regret it. I regretted everything. Everything. To think, I'd been holding out on some hope that one day she would love me. The thought now almost made me laugh. She didn't even like me.

            I forced air out of my lungs, but I couldn't speak. I looked down at my wrists. Thought of the sharp piece of glass resting in my pocket. I was just one big mess that I left for other people to clean up...

            "What are you thinking?" Her voice finally broke.

            "I wanted a way to die without actually having to, and disappearing was the best way that I could think of how to." But I didn't actually say that, only in my head, because the reality of it was scary even to me, and I didn't know how she would handle it.

            The silence didn't feel like silence, though – I could hear the crackle of the fire, the buzzing of the store's lights, the rain crashing down, my own heavy breathing, the echoing of her words shooting through my head again, and again, and again.

            "Andy?" Liv asked, but I shouldn't and wouldn't, and couldn't, could not speak. As we continued to stand there, I could sense that the others were getting impatient as they waited inside.

            A light buzz filled my head that escalated to an overwhelming static buzz that blocked out all the other noises. I could see Liv's mouth moving, but I had no idea what she was saying. I could bet that it wasn't anything that I wanted to hear, though, so I entered the whirlwind of rain to get to the car.

            It was locked when I attempted to open the door, so I stood and waited for the others to catch up, feeling utterly alone. It was funny, because I'd gone through the majority of my life without ever wanting to die, and now it was all that I could think of.