Can You Keep A Secret?

Chapter Forty

-Andy's POV-

It was odd to be singing on my own. Sure, I did it in the shower, or did small bits of songs at random on live.ly or when listening to music or something, but this was different. Any sort of performance was always done with the boys right by my side. I kept expecting to see Rye by my side, or hear Brooklyn trying to harmonize. But things were different now. It almost felt as if we had broken up already instead of taking a break. It was a feeling that I knew well – It lingered when I was in Overload, then exploded when the news that I had been expecting all along finally came...I didn't know how I would cope if I had to do it all over again, but it wasn't something that I wanted to dwell on it for too long.

That wasn't why I was here. Instead of getting carried away in a negative train of thought, I closed my eyes and instead let myself get lost in the music.

The song started out slowly – "I cannot run from every mess that I've made, it feels like I'm drowning almost every day, my heart is breaking with each word that I say," but build up to a big crescendo with the chorus. I belted it out, throwing my heart and soul into every note, strumming along on my guitar.

"I'm broken, can you hear me? Would you get some glue and lie near me? I'm explosive, but don't fear me, 'cuz after all I'm still human and I still love."

It had taken me almost an entire day to write the song. I had paced around Liv's house, flipped through old photo albums, done anything that I could think of that could possibly kick start my brain into action, but none of it had worked. It had been midnight and I'd been half asleep when it finally came to me, all at once. I named it "She's the One and I Know It (But She Doesn't.)"

She'd almost seen my paper with it on it, which would've been disastrous. I'd been marking the sheet with notes and chords when she'd walked in, and, in a panic, I'd dropped it, and then casually kicked it under the bed.

It felt good to perform it, though – Gave a feeling of intimacy with the many strangers passing by. When I finished the final note, I opened my eyes to see a small crowd gathered around, who promptly burst into applause. For just a moment, my heart rose, soared above the entire station. It was times like this when I truly knew what I was living for, when I felt like my life had a cause. There was nothing quite as satisfactory as creating something to enjoy with other people, that transcends boundaries and barriers previously set up. There was nothing quite like music – It was everything.

I let myself sit and soak in the feeling for a little while longer before packing up. I gently rested my guitar into its case – On top of a stack of money. The sight of it thrilled me. I hadn't been quite sure that it would work, but now I had physical evidence that the past three days hadn't been a big waste of time.

I spent the journey home thinking about it – I'd gotten money after the other times, too, but this was by far the biggest success yet. It made me think that I could actually do it: Earn enough money for Liv to go to university. I knew that it was a bit of a stretch, but I already had £3k tucked away in savings for it, and I planned to busk on the streets, in the tube, anywhere that I could until the break was over. And if I still didn't have enough after that, then...I would just have to think of something else.

For the first time in a long time, I was brimming with hope. I had no idea how I would eventually present it to her, but if anything could win her over, it would be this. And, worst comes to worst, and it genuinely just wasn't meant to be...Then I'll still be able to grant her the gift of happiness, which was the most valuable present of all.

I was feeling it myself as I finally got back to her house, the sun setting in a magnificent display across the sky. I unlocked the door and stepped inside, ready to holler out that I was back when I saw them.

It took me a moment to realize what I was seeing – Liv and Mikey were curled up together on the couch, some Nicholas Sparks movie playing while they ignored the screen and instead were absorbed with each other. They didn't even take a short enough break of eating each other it acknowledge my presence.

I was temporarily frozen, like a deer in the headlights, struck by the unpleasant surprise. When I finally regained my senses, I left the room, saying only, "You should turn the television off if you're not watching it," before going and locking myself in the guest room that I had currently been occupying.

I set my guitar case on the floor, both money and happiness now forgotten. Truth be told, I didn't belong here, in Liv's house, when she'd clearly rather be with her boyfriend. I didn't belong anywhere. Reality could be one nasty motherfucker.