ROSE

10. Fears

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Finally it's Friday! I had a second thought of going to class today but I refused to miss any classes the first week. I was never the girl who misses school for no reason or for a stupid one but again, I was the one who thinks about missing every morning then end up going.

I got dressed and left. I got my coffee and walked slowly to my class. I was so early, two hours early, but it was on purpose. Since I didn't study yesterday, I decided to go early before my class and study in the library because I didn't bring any books I need with me.

I arrived and walked to my locker but on my way, my phone started ringing. At first I thought it was Rita since she told me she will call me but it wasn't her. It was Anthony.

Again, I felt nervous for no reason even if I decided not to answer him. The fact that he was calling me when I was in college and I could see him any time stressed me. I still ignored the call and slid my phone back in my pocket, until it stopped ringing.

The coffee was hot but I enjoyed it between my hand as I walked to the locker but right when I saw his back facing me and his body leaning against my locker just like yesterday, I turned angry. Why can't he just leave me alone?

I cleared my throat and decided to finally face him and make it obvious that I don't want to get attached when I know that this will just take me to a scary place. But my phone rang again and this time, it was Rita. I thought about turning back and answering her but it was too late when he turned around and saw me.

"Rose." He smiled. "Where have you been?"

I didn't know what to say because I didn't want to say anything from what I thought of saying. It's like, I can never follow the plan I draw when it comes to him. Maybe because I'm not comfortable? I don't know.

"I am around." But I tried to be simple. I wasn't mean but I wanted to still send him the message that I want nothing to do with him. I didn't want to get attached.

"I didn't see you yesterday after your class. I was waiting for you." He added.

"Yeah, I left." I blinked and gave him a small smile. I opened my locker when he stepped out of my way and grabbed the books that I need. "I got to go." I said then walked away. My heart was beating fast just like each time I talk to him but I didn't care. This was better.

I walked outside and called Rita.

"Where are you? I'm in front of your college, get out." She yelled.

"What are you doing in front of my college?" I frowned.

"Well, I went to your apartment and you didn't answer the door so I called you and you ignored me so I thought I'd look for you on my own. Get out before I find you myself." She yelled again and I laughed. She's crazy.

I walked out to find her in the car, fixing her hair in the front mirror. I shook my head and got in the front seat.

"How are you?" I asked.

"Explain." She said.

"I'm great too, thanks for asking." I rolled my eyes.

She looked at me with a dead glare and blinked then shook her head. I stopped myself from laughing.

"Explain what happened with the guy." She replaced her question with a more clear version. But I still didn't know what to say. It's not something to explain because it is nothing at all.

"Well there is nothing to explain. All there is to say is that I see him everywhere and I can't just find a way to hide from him, you know? I know it's weird but I don't like the way I feel around him and it's making me feel so...weird." I didn't know how to explain myself. "I just don't want to get attached to someone that doesn't have the same life as I do."

There was a pause but she was looking at me, scanning me as if I grew two heads.

"What?"

"Do you really truly believe the bullshit you're telling me right now?" Her tone was annoyed as if I was telling her the most boring story of all time.

"Yes."

"Liar." She started. "Nothing of what you just said is true. You're scared." For some reasons, my heart skipped a beat. "You're scared to get attached to someone because there is a chance that he will leave you." She added. She was stressing me as if everything she was saying was what I feared to know. "You hate loosing people and the fact that he is trying to get close to you fears you and it's normal, Bella! It is normal to be afraid but it isn't normal that you push him away and ignore him when he's only being nice to you just because you're scared."

We had this conversation before and I was grateful that it got cut by the Tia's call but now I'm all stuck with Rita hitting me with all these sayings that make me question myself more than I usually do. It was stressing me out.

"It's not that -"

"Yes it is." She insisted. "You don't want to lose him because you out of all people hate loosing the people you love. Because you tried before and it hurts you. But not because something that you didn't even have to do anything with it happened then you'd stop yourself from getting attached to anyone! It is normal but you can't stay like that." She looked at me, sighed then carried on. "I'm not saying run after this guy or whatever but don't close the door. From what you told me, he is trying to get close to you, let him."

"He is always around girls and I-"

"Excuses." She didn't let me finish again. "You're finding excuses to make yourself believe that this is the right thing to do and it isn't."

Her words hurt. Not only because she was talking about my parents but she made me face one of my biggest fears. Not only that too, she bought out everything I was hiding inside of me that I, myself, didn't know it was hidden inside of me. Yes, I fear losing people but I didn't know that I push people away because I fear getting attached to them because I fear losing them.

But what Rita told me was a woken up alarm that I hated. I hated the way I think also and decided to just be myself. Why am I fearing it so much?

I walked back in college because Rita had to leave for work because her mother was alone there this day and I was left alone with the thought that wanted to strangle me.

I had the urge to look for Anthony, find him and apologize but I pushed this thought away too. If he comes to talk to me again, I will let him in, just like Rita suggested.

I ended up not studying and my class ended up being boring. Maybe it was a better idea to miss today and stay home but again, I wouldn't have passed by what I was passing by today.

I was going to let him in.

Author Note:

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This chapter is sort of weird but I promise it gets better.

Does anyone else think what Bella is doing is so childish? Where will this take them?

Read more to find out.