ROSE

26. Forget

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Having a pride is always so painful to self. Everyone has their own perception, own outlook. If you dwell on it. A long-term deal would be the concern. The little stuff becomes big in the slyest of ways. You have feelings of pride when you get rejected and feel like you got betrayed. But at the same time, you feel like forgiveness is so easy to offer at that point. When we get mad at someone we love, We don't forgive them because of something they have done, we forgive them first then wait for them to do something that will make you tell them that you forgive them.

Forgiveness comes even when you least want it, when you love someone so much, you forgive them for whatever they do, if it would kill you, you'd forgive them. Some people chose to walk away because they don't want to get hurt again even if they were able to forgive, and some people chose to continue fighting for the people they love just because they see the good in them and ignore the bad.

I sighed and placed the pen down. This would be an article that will suck. Yesterday and what happened keeps playing over and over in my head that when I sat down to write my article, I found myself writing about him. Do I forgive him? Yes, but am I going to be the one who chose to walk away or the one who is willing to keep fighting?

My phone rang for the hundred time and I left it ringing. I was not brave enough to face him after he kissed me because I simply feel like that's wrong. I didn't want to face him because I know what he will say, I know what's next and it fears me so much. I was not ready yet. I also wasn't in the mood to face anyone so I decided to have a day to myself at home and decided to not go to class today. I also called Rita and told her that I was sick and I couldn't go to work. Of course, she didn't believe me but she said that she will cover me still.

Every time I decided to let him in, I fear and step back even if I want him close with all my might.

I grabbed my phone and decided that I should make sure that Dylan was alright and when he answered and assured me that he was fine, not mentioning the few bruises he mentioned, the grudge I was holding against Anthony disappeared and only my fear of losing him found its way up again.

My phone started ringing right when I put it down after my call with Dylan and I groaned. How many times will he try to call me and get ignored? I closed my eyes and got up from the kitchen bar to get my cup of coffee then went back to continue writing but as I sitting down, someone knocked on the door.

It must be Rita since I told her I was sick and she didn't believe me. I got up and walked to the door then opened it.

When I expected to be met with a feminine short body and a yell of why I called in sick, I was met with a strong body and green eyes and a red nose. It was Anthony.

My heartbeat accelerated just by seeing him in front of me. I wasn't expecting it which shocked me.

"Hey." He softly said. I could see the sadness in his dark green eyes as they took a glimpse at me before breaking our eye contact.

I pushed the gulp that tried to find itself on the surface of my throat and gave him a small smile, not trusting my voice. The reason why I wasn't answering him was that I wasn't ready to face him and him showing up here can't change anything.

I moved out of the doorway to let him in. As I closed the door, I closed my eyes, thinking about what I should say and what would be my answer if he says what I am thinking he would. I sighed as I heard his steps echoing away from where I was standing.

I walked to where he was standing, which is in front of my window, looking into the sky. I stepped closer to him, waiting for him to say anything and when he didn't, I thought I'd start by explaining myself.

"Anthony..."

"Why?" He cut me off and I was thankful. I am not much of a talker when it comes to these situations. Not to mention that it has never happened to me. He turned to face me then tilted his head, scanning my face and my eyes.

"Why what?" My voice was so low that I could barely hear it myself.

"Why every time we get closer you build a huge bridge between us again?" He started. I knew where this was going and I wanted to do anything to stop it. I know what he was talking about but I am paralyzed, I can't do anything about it myself. "Every time...I feel like I finally am sure about the way you feel, you create this doubt in me again." He shook his head and scoffed, looking away. "I'm never sure of anything when I'm with you, Rose." I gulped again, trying to wet my dry throat and looked down myself, not wanting to create this eye contact we had before again because the way his eyes held so much begging made me feel weak. "Before meeting you, no one mattered to me. I didn't care who loves me or who respects me or not. I was living for my own pleasure and my own pleasure only but...then you came." I looked up and his eyes were looking straight into my own. I opened my mouth to say anything, just something to change this atmosphere, but nothing came out. "I cared all of sudden, I don't know why...or how but I did." He turned, giving me his back again, trying to hide the truth that is so obvious in his eyes. "I wish I never met you." He whispered, more to himself than to me but I heard it and it hurts.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled and looked at him to turn around, say he understands and carry me away with his love. But his back stayed a cover for his feelings. "Anthony, I don't know why I'm doing this." My heart started to race again and I didn't know why. I knew that I will finally say exactly how I feel because I have to. I want him to know why I'm pushing my feelings away. "I am scared to let someone in and end up leaving me. I wouldn't be able to handle it anymore. After my parents, I promised myself that I won't let anyone in anymore because I can't allow myself to get as hurt as I was again." I was getting so emotional and when he turned to face me, my tears were a little hard for me to hold back. "I can't live another lost pain, I won't be able to go through it, Anthony."

His eyes softened and his lips parted. I looked down, not wanting to cry. My parents' death made me close the hole on myself and I don't know how to open it again. I love Anthony's company, I really do. But I can't let myself have feelings for him. He kept trying to dig the hole and on the other side, I was filling it back up.

He stepped closer and pushed my chin up softly so I could meet his eyes and when I did, he smiled. A few tears fell down my eyes as I tried to free my face from his hold so I could hide them but his two hands held my face and with his thumbs, he wiped the fresh tears.

"Beautiful, even when you're crying." He softly complimented me and I grinned at how dorky he was. He giggled and hugged me tightly. I let myself relax in his arms and breathed. It was like he was the oxygen that gives me life, that gives me happiness. "Did you really think not coming to school is a good idea to hide from me?" He laid his chin on top of my head and caressed my hair with one of his hands and the other one was around my waist, holding me tight against him. I smiled and looked up to meet his eyes.

"I wasn't going to work either," I whined.

"Good. Now we have the rest of the day to us." He said. I pulled away and shook my head.

"I have to go. I left Rita alone with the excuse that I'm sick." I explained.

"Okay great. Let's go." He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the door.

"Go where?" I tried to stop him but he wouldn't let me go.

"Hang out." He said and opened the door.

"Anthony, I really can't." I tried to pull my hands away but again, he pulled me along with him. "I don't have my phone," I yelled but he was still dragging me behind me. "Wait! At least, let me close the door." I said.

"Okay, close the door." He loosened his grip on around my hand but he was still holding it as I closed the door behind us and followed him to where he was taking me.

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