ROSE

59. Doesn't

We were leaving for the cabin tomorrow which means that I will be going to New York in just a couple of days. I was so excited but so afraid at the same time. I knew that this ephemeral feeling will not last anyway. Anyhow, I wanted to go and never will think just once not to do so.

I opened my window and took a fresh air. Will I leave in Seattle forever? I came here only, waiting for the wound of losing my parents to heal and it did. The pain is gone but the scar will always be there. I knew that I will be ready to move back to New York if I wanted to. Perhaps I will find a good job there and stay. I sighed and looked up at the stars. I'm pretty sure you can see me, mom, I'm keeping my promises, I'm achieving my dreams and not giving up. I'm evolving confidence little by little and that's all she wanted me to do. I smiled.

My phone started ringing so I walked away from the window and went to get it. It was Noah. I sighed and accepted the call.

"Hey babe, are you ready for tomorrow?" He asked. The excitement in his voice was way made me bow my head.

"Yeah," I tried to sound happy. I turned to look at the bag I was planning to leave and then looked at the bigger suitcase that I will take with me so I don't come back to my apartment and leave right away from the cabin to the airport.

I wanted to cancel with Noah about going to the cabin and tell him that I want to spend this weekend with my friends here before going to New York for a long time. On the other hand, it is Anthony's cabin and going there feels so wrong. Also, I still have to tell Clifford the news about me accepting their offer and I am thinking about telling Anthony but I keep changing my mind every time I pick up my phone and decide to finally call. I don't want to meet with him again but at the same time, I feel like I need a little closure before I leave. Despite me telling him that I don't want to see him again until I move on completely, I want him to know that I will be leaving but the fear of facing him is making me paralyzed.

I finally got a shot of confidence that while I was under the effect of wanting him to know, I clicked on his name and before thinking twice about it and changing my mind, I called. The longer it took for him to pick up my call, the stronger my regret was getting of calling him. I was about to pick up but I suddenly heard the void of the line. My heart dropped and started to beat rapidly. The silence stayed present for awhile but he broke it.

"Rose," he finally talked. His tone sounded tired, as ig he was sleeping and just woke up or is so sleepy. I imagined his forehead creasing as his eyebrows get raised, waiting for me to start talking. I gulped and shut my head.

"Hey Anthony," I finally said something then it became silent again between us. "I just, I had big news to tell you and really hoped...we could meet today."

He was silent for a couple of seconds, scaring me that he will refuse my request but then he said "of course, when and where?"

It didn't take me long to get ready and leave to meet him. Something in me kept telling me that this meeting won't pass as good as I wanted to and I didn't know why I had this feeling. There was just one thought in me, what if he told me not to go? Will I go or listen to him? I won't be leaving for a long time but deep down inside, I wanted to go to New York to see if I will be able to play back the life I paused in there. New York is my home town, will I be able to go restart a new life after just a few months of leaving? After all, I don't have an important thing to do in Seattle anymore. If I find a job back there, I will buy again my parents' apartment and stay there for a new life.

I put my hand in my hand to call him and see when he will arrive here but I didn't find my phone. My eyes widened but then I remembered that when I let it down to put my shoes on, I didn't take it again. I left without it. I groaned.

"Hey," his voice. His voice reverberated in my ears from behind me. He sat down in front of me.

"Hey." I smiled as he let his phone down on the table. "Sorry if you called me, I couldn't answer, I forgot my phone at home."

"Don't worry about it." He smiled. At that precise moment, I knew that his smile is what has the most power over me. I smiled back without realizing. I looked at his eyes as they looked back into mine. He started to talk about something but I zoned out. The low rumble of his voice was so comforting that it took me away in a world where his voice was the only heard sound in an empty huge room. I heard every word he said but my brain stopped making sense of anything he said. I just wanted to hear his voice talking. "Rose?" He called.

"Hm?" I hummed, finally zoning back into reality.

"Are you happy with him?" Asked Anthony and I regretted zoning out, wishing I heard what he was talking about.

"Yes," I lied. I felt like I'm such an imbecile at that moment. A need in me grew of just using this topic to make him jealous, only wanting him to regretting letting me go. I caught the surprise of his eyes before he could take it away by bowing his head so I couldn't see. "I just feel happy when I'm around him. It's like I never get annoyed or awkward around him." I explained what I felt but not towards Noah, towards him. I knew that what I was doing was wrong but at the exact moment, it felt right.

He nodded and looked at the waiter to call him to get our orders.

"What about you?" I asked him.

"What do you mean?" He took a sip of his water glass in front of him.

"No new girl?" I asked.

"Hey, I will be your waiter today, would you like to order now?" The waiter said and I just looked at the lines of my hands, wanting to know the answer to my question.

We gave him our orders then handed him the menus. Anthony picked up the glass to drink more water.

"You didn't answer my question." I said.

"What question?" He played stupid and it annoyed me.

"You don't have any new girl around?" I desperately asked again, wanting to know the answer.

"Actually I do." He smiled softly and my heart dropped. "I'm with Lindsay now. You know, when we left each other she was the one around so why wouldn't I just love her?" I felt like I was breathing but when he said that all the oxygen in the room was taken away from me. I didn't know what to say but I knew that it was my entire fault. I let him go, I was the one to let him fall for someone that hurt me.

I nodded. "We should do a double date once." I tried to act fine but all I wanted to do was cry and tell him why would he be with someone like her? Someone that did nothing but hurt me. Someone that did everything to make us break up. Despite all that, she was so lucky to have someone like him.

"We should." He nodded aggressively.

The waiter came and placed our orders in front of us. I wanted to finish quickly so I could leave. I hated this. I hated being in a room with him. I grabbed the fork and started to eat to not make any eye contact with him, I pretended to be busy with my food but I could feel his eyes on me.

"Anyway, what did you want to tell me?" He broke the silence.

I swallowed what I had in my mouth then responded him. "I'm leaving for a couple of weeks, maybe a month, to New York." I said, not even looking up to look at his reaction, I was scared to face him after what he told me. I wanted to tell him to leave her but I knew that it wasn't my place to say so.

"Nice." He broke me even more. He didn't even ask why or if I will be back to school.

I scoffed and nodded. "I want to build my life there too. So I'll probably just come back to finish the semester then go continue there."

"Good luck. I'm sure that you'll do good wherever you go." He pushed another knife in my heart then pulled it out and stabbed me again, in the same spot. I didn't say anything again, fearing my tears that kept fighting to be freed. He didn't care about anything I said. He didn't care about me leaving for a month but also didn't care about me leaving at all. He just doesn't care anymore.