ROSE

71. Beginning

I kissed back.

I felt his lips smile against mine, one hand of his was behind my head, pushing me closer to him, if it was possible, and the other was right bellow our lips that moved perfectly in sync together, reminding me of the electric buzz of having his lips on mine.

I could taste the liquor in his mouth but the sensation I felt was way stronger than my hate for the alcohol and the anger within me towards him. He took an intake breatg My heart's rate abruptly accelerated and butterflies filled my stomach.

He deepened the kiss by cocking his head to the side but my fear got the best of me. I placed a hand on his chest, feeling his heart beating faster.

"Okay, okay, I'm stopping." He whispered, placing his forehead on mine, keeping his eyes closed. His soft breath emitted against my skin. The bound we built in the past few months was all showing at that exact moment. He opened his eyes and we stared at each other. I never wanted to look away because of how much love and happiness I saw in his small eyes. His lips twitches and his cheeks wrinkled, trying to hide his smile just as I tried to hide mine. I was happy and I didn't want showing it. I was afraid to show it. He sighed in relief then abruptly pulled me into his arms, as if he wasn't believing my presence, he wasn't believing my promise. He didn't believe that finally everything are is back again. "Does that mean that we're good?" He asked to make sure. I shrugged. I wanted to be normal with him again but I couldn't believe that we can be together without having people step in the middle.

His smile suddenly vanished away as fast as it appeared. He let me go from his arms and bowed his head, disappointingly sat, thinking about something I can't understand. I gulped, got up and went to my room.

Minutes turned to hours and I was still sitting on my bed, waiting for a decision to cross my head that I'll be completely satisfied with but what I was waiting for never arrived. Soon after I gave up thinking, a knock on the room door was heard. I didn't have to say anything for him to twist the knob and walk in.

He walked closer to the bed and laid a small dirty and a little ripped paper on the end of the bed, it was folded a lot that it was as small as his phalanx. He stared at it for a little bit, thinking twice about what he was doing then looked up at me and pushed it towards me. I frowned, not sure what was this paper or why he was handing it to me.

"Read it. Whatever you'll decide after I'll respect it." Anthony told me. The tone in his voice was helpless, as if this small paper with whatever was inside it was his last card. I sighed and picked up the paper as soon as he walked to the door.

The sound of the door closing was my go to unfold the paper and find out what's hidden in its heart.

"Baby,

I know that I barely called you that, maybe because I never know how to show my feelings, or maybe because I wasn't sure of your feelings, or maybe because I didn't have the time to love you right. All I know at that moment that I'll take my last chance and try to win you back.

My heart fastened. My eyes were running between the words, reading them way too faster than I have ever read anything else.

Firstly, I want to apologize. For everything. I want to apologize for not fighting enough for you. My trust in you was hurt right when I disappeared back then for a whole day. I didn't even explained myself and didn't tell you that that faze for my father was very hard and I had to be by his side. I know that I hid it from you. Only because I was scared that you'd leave me as soon as you find out that my father is an alcoholic, held back in a center to recover. My fear was way stronger but you were different from anyone else and when I told you, you didn't act differently around me and didn't care as much as I thought you would.

A lot of people tried to break us apart, starting by my mother that treated you very badly, Cameron that tried to make me believe that you were cheating on me with Dylan, Rita, Cameron, to Lindsay that wanted to just give you and I reasons of why we shouldn't be together and somehow you are still sitting here, in my place, reading a note I wrote you.

I've never loved anyone before. I've had moment when I felt like girls interest me or a girl I met will be fun to be around or this girl is cool but I never actually took a step to date someone, just because I never wanted to give my heart to someone that I can't trust. After my first relationship, I promised myself that I will never love again and I lost the feeling inside of me at all until you came through. I didn't even think about it, I just wanted to talk to you more when we met when you were lost. It's crazy how it feels like yesterday when it is at the beginning of the semester and it's also crazy to fall in love with someone that quickly.

I know I probably made it harder for you to stand me but I never intended to hurt you. I know you probably deserves a better person to have no bad past and no one that wishes the bad for him but you're my wish. I know I'm not romantic and I suck at writing cute words to steal your apology but I know that I love you more than any romantic boy can. And I can't promise not to hurt you ever, because I will, but I can promise you to always love you the same, until the day I die.

I love you,
Anthony.

The paper was shaking in my hand with the wet spots of my tears. I kept staring at his handwriting then started to reread the letter. Over and over. I don't know how many times I read it but I was sure that I could recite it all. A knock was heard on the door that froze, not only my heart, but my eyes on the paper. I wasn't sure for how long I was here but having him knocking on the door meant that I was in the room for way longer than I should have.

I never wanted this moment to end. The time slowed down and everything else were blurry, only him and I was the painting I was trying to get it down. A piece of art that everyone tried to mess up but they didn't know that this scratches made it stronger, it gave it a stronger power, it gave it a different kind of beauty.

It is very hard to push the heart down when you are put on the spot. You have no time to think twice but to follow the blind part of you; the heart. The brain sees, thinks and talks but the heart is blind and only feels. The heart pumps blood throughout the whole body. It is the same when it pumps love to keep us alive.

We were very poor in love but very rich in tragedy. I am well aware that our love story didn't have a happy ending because it is far from a screen movie or a theatre piece that left the audience fascinated, in love, clapping heavily at us as we smile and bow our heads for a thank you. This is real life and fairytales don't exist.

I know I expected Anthony to change. Just a typical good girl that has faith in the bad boy of her college to change for her and he, because he loves her, pushes everything that he loves on the side and chooses her. He chooses to never hurt her again, to never make her cry and that's where it ends. That's not us.

He was like the snow to me. It is so beautiful to watch it fall from the sky and fill your country, you see it everywhere you go, it never goes unnoticed. It is so cold and it hurts your hand when you hold it. Despite all that, it brings you to such a peaceful mind, you play with it and it's always fun, it's so fun to be around, to walk in it, to watch it as it falls on your hair and change the colour of everything in you, everything turns white, even your hair. It dominances everything, the weather goes down, the colour of everything becomes white, the time passes by very slow and the sun goes down earlier because of its love for the moonlight. Deep down, you know that winter can't be winter if it doesn't snow.

When I laid onto his chest in our new apartment, I was very carful to wake him up. At that moment, I knew that he hurt me and I forgave him. Even if he promised that he won't do it again, I knew he will. There isn't a relationship without broken moments, fights and arguments. I closed my eyes and chose to a new life right by his side.

This is my happy ending.