ROSE

17. Secret

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Driving around with his car that smelled so good and felt so cozy was a good idea, until my questions for him were unanswered. He wouldn't tell me where he was and would change the subject every time I bring it up. I decided to not ask again but the fact that he isn't telling me was giving me anxiety.

I don't trust people easily but with him, I let him in way too faster than I do to anyone else and for some reasons, I regret it. I wanted to know what he is doing that won't tell me about.

"Are you good?" He asked, placing his hand on mine. I looked at our hands then at him. He was concerned on the road, his eyes wide open and his other hand was on the steering wheel. I sighed and slid my hand from under his.

"Yeah." I simply said. I was to tired to ask anymore. I didn't even have the time to be happy he is back. It's like I don't deserve to be happy that when something that could bring me joy happens to me, something that brings sadness to me follows right behind.

"You don't sound okay." He gave me a small glare before turning his head back on the road.

I didn't know where he was taking me but the more he drives, the more the air hits my face, the more sleepy I get. I didn't have a proper sleep last night worrying about him and now that he's back, I want to go home and sleep.

"Were you worried?" He asked, undeviatingly. I looked at him, alarmed by what he said. I was but I wasn't going to admit it to him. I was so worried something bad happened to him. "Why?" He asked one more question I couldn't answer. I gulped to hide my fear of answering then shrugged. His eyes had this connection with my heart that right when he looked at me, my heart started to race.

I don't know why I was worried. I just know that I was and I didn't know how to stop it.

He parked the car in the middle of nowhere and turned his body to face me. He wanted to give all his attention to me to find answers for himself but I had nothing to tell him.

"Was it because you didn't want to lose me?" He added and I kept watching him as he tried to pull any answer from me but I had none to give. I wasn't going to answer his questions because I don't even know the answers to them myself. "Is it because you didn't want to lose other people? Did it remind you of your parents maybe?" He was thinking out loud and it made me even more uncomfortable. I didn't want to talk about it at all because I didn't understand it myself.

I blinked and looked away when my heart skipped a beat at the mention of my parents. Perhaps my parent's death was the reason of my worry for him, because I hated the thought of something bad happening to him. Perhaps, I didn't want to lose other people when I lost the most people I love in my life. Perhaps, losing him scared me because I Just didn't want to lose him.

But why?

I looked right into his eyes and bit my lip. I was not sure of what to say or what to do because I was so unsure of how I feel. He smiled and nodded, as if his questions were enough answers for him.

"I won't force you to say anything." He placed his hand on my cheek and pushed a lock of hair that was struck on my lipgloss and placed it behind my ear. "But please," he titled his head to the side. "Don't force it away."

Then he turned back to facing the endless road we were taking and started to car, driving us somewhere I know nothing about.

His words kept ringing in my ears and as much as I knew what he was talking about, as much as I was weak enough to push everything away. I want nothing to do with what he was talking about. Maybe because I witnessed fearing his absence, worrying about how he was. I tried not to think about it but I didn't know how to block his voice off my brain. And the more I think about it, the more my eyes become heavy to keep open and with the help of the air of the night hitting my face and the comfortable seat of his car, I wasn't able to fight away the sleep that wanted to take over.