dizzy - thoughts & stuff

guess who's a wreck

so my parents are fighting rn, they don't do the whole shouting and throwing things stuff but they'll offend each other and then not talk to each other while my dad does nothing and my mom aggressively cleans things

this time he said she needed to apologize for yelling at my sister because all she does is yell at someone everytime she comes home

at first i was mad at my dad bc thats a pretty shitty thing to say to someone but its also completely true and the reason behind a lot of my breakdowns so i'm not really mad at or happy with either of them ig

just sad

sad bc i want to help but instead i just sit and watch while everything falls apart and i want to make myself say something to make it better but i have nothing to say

everything just keeps getting worse and worse and i don't know what to do about it

i get less and less motivated every day, i've already lost horse riding bc of it, how long until it takes up schoolwork? spending time with other people? drawing? eating? basic life necessities?

my mom is always upset about the house being a mess and i am too but at this point i don't even know what to do because i always tell myself that i'll just help out more and keep it clean myself and she'll be so proud of me and maybe for once she'll relax, but it never happens, i always come home and eat too much and don't do my homework and fall into a useless lump until i fall asleep

my self esteem is getting worse, which had never been a problem before. i want so bad to get healthy but i don't exercise and i don't eat good so i just keep getting worse and i'm starting to feel it, in my thighs and my arms and my stomach and i hate it

i keep losing people that are important to me left and right whether it be friendships breaking apart or actual deaths, i can't seem to hold onto anyone, and really why would anyone want to hold on to me. i'm just so scared i'm going to keep losing the few people i have left, and i already feel them losing interest in me and i don't know what to do about it

i'm just so fucking scared everything is going downhill and i don't know how to fix any of it and i just

idk i'm sorry for wasting your time with my useless rambling, if it helps any i'm gonna post some new stuff in my art book that im pretty proud of so check that out

i'll talk to you later

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song recommendation: cutting room floor by i the mighty (one of my faves lately i love them)