dizzy - thoughts & stuff

fml

so i'm gonna be totally honest on here and to you guys bc i can't be irl and i know you guys will understand better

i'm going to fucking die

plain and simple. i am in way over my head. my dumbass took all honors classes, and yes i'm smart but fuck i really overdid it

schedule:
1st: AP world history, teacher seemed intimidating at first but he's actually mostly just joking around and i find world history interesting so
2nd: chem 1 honors, teacher seems nice but i get the feeling she's actually dead inside secretly hates children. gave homework the first day???? has literally a hot pink flip phone with a cat paw on it????
3rd: vet assist 1, omg bless this teacher she is this little old british lady and she is just the sweetest thing, spent the entire period going around and having individual conversations with everyone about their pets
4th: scout was a blessing to humanity tbh i was so shook, teacher seems nice and the class seems really interesting
5th: alebra 2 honors, fuck this shit the last time i took an algebra class was 3 years ago i'm gonna fucking fail. teacher is totally off her rocker too idk if in a good or bad way yet
6th: spanish 3 honors, teacher was alright didn't really make an impression but i'm gonna try and get out anyways bc its just an extra workload i don't need in my life rn
7th: AICE general paper, i can't really tell how hard its gonna be yet but we're reading two books i've been excited for, great gatsby and 1984 i believe its called, plus two others i haven't heard of and don't remember the names of lmao. i was getting done with my english classes tho bc sitting there and being bored out of my mind while the other kids in the class struggled to understand what a pronoun or personification was was just so frustrating, and this seems like actual new content that will improve me as a writer so that's good. teacher was fucking hilarious lemme tell you what he said he was like "i'll give you a reason to trust me with making sure you will pass your test at the end of the year. when i look out at all of you, i don't see individuals with unique personalities, no. i see dollar signs. because i get payed more money for every one of you that passes that test at the end of the year. sure, i suppose there is some kind of value in furthering you as a writer or whatever, but do you really think i'm going to let you all fail when i could be earning all that money instead? i'm poor, i wamt money. meth is expensive." and then when not everyone laughed he was like "oh, some of you actually believed me? well i was just kidding if you couldn't tell, i don't do meth. my teeth are too nice" then someone asked him if he was a harry potter fan (literally his walls are covered in posters for hp) and he just looked at him with the most done expression and was just like "really? what do you think?" and when i asked what house he's in he said ravenclaw. so considering we share a sense of humour and a hp house, i'd say he's off to a great start (he might end up being my fave)
but i gotta read two books before next week bc no one ever told me i was supposed to do summer reading :)))))

see the thing is, i got labelled as smart at a young age because then i was ahead of my grade and everything, but now the problem is that everyone just thinks that of me and expects that of me and i can't try and express my genuine concern and worry for classes and such and they just brush it off and say "oh well you always say that, you're going to do great, i know it" like thanks but that doesn't fucking solve anything because this time i'm not "just saying that", i mean it

i've grown up being used to being able to just say i'm smart, but now i have to work my ass off to try and keep up that reputation because i know i can't disappoint anyone

i get that people are trying to be supportive when they say things like that, but now it feels a lot less like support and a lot more like extra pressure. as if i don't already put enough on myself

all that aside, there are actual kennels in my school, literally attached to one of my classrooms???? this is scout, she was staying there today she is a teacher's dog

she is the love of my life.

and this just blew my mind like she was just running around the classroom??? to get pats from people??? in a fuCKING SCHOOL????? idk man like i know it's the vet program and all but like that's still just so fucking cool i can't believe it i heard barking during class and i was just??? bc i didn't even know they were back there

ALSO I GET TO BRING MY DOGGO TO SCHOOL I JUST HAVE TO SCHEDULE A DATE AND BRING SHOT RECORDS B L E S S

the only downside i can see right now to the vet class is i gotta find a clinic to volunteer at asap bc i gotta log 250 volunteer hours by the end of senior year (this isn't even really a downside that's just super rad in my mind bc it gives me an excuse to see so many animals??? like i'll probably just have to clean cages the whole time but shit man idec???? sign me tf up??? it'll also be good bc then they might trust me enough that it'll raise my chances of getting a job there after high school)

idk i was trying to fight back tears today in class at one point bc i think it just hit me that like i can't fucking play around anymore, school isn't just showing up and doing the workbook pages, it's turned into work your ass off and don't take a single break or you fail

ugh i guess it is what it is. i'm gonna go cry while memorizing period table elements now thank for listening

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song recommendation: radio by lana del ray but specifically the above cover like the first time i listened to it i almost cried and then just put it on repeat while i did an entire drawing, it's so beautiful and just instantly relaxes me ugH its so good