dizzy - thoughts & stuff

emo warning ahead

i feel like absolute garbage rn bc
a) i'm scared as fuck for this hurricane and my parents don't seem concerned hardly at all
b) idk im just sad?

like jumping off what kaz said in their spam book, everyone else is always posting things about their significant others or their best friends and it makes me really sad because yeah okay i don't have a s.o. but i don't have a best friend either. i have people that i classify as my 'best friends' simply because they are the closest thing to it, but no one is really my best friend.

i don't know any of their favorite colors or songs and i couldn't tell you what kind of dog they would have if they could choose any and i couldn't tell you their birthdays and i wouldn't know what to get them even if i knew when they were. i don't know what any of their fears are or why and i don't know what things they think are pretty and what things they think aren't, i don't know their favorite books or movies or tv shows or who is their favorite character from those things. i don't know their favorite kind of candy, or flower, or clothing, or ice cream flavor. i don't know the real reasons they like the people they do and i don't know if they like pineapple on their pizza or if they think that's the worst crime you can commit. i don't know where they would live if they could live anywhere and i don't know what any of them want to do with their lives when they grow up.

i don't have a friend to randomly text to ask to come over without planning ahead, i don't have a friend who i can listen to music and dance with, i don't have someone who will know when i'm upset without me having to tell them and i don't have someone who will know exactly how to fix that when it happens. i don't have anyone who will talk about aliens and space and the ocean with me and propose crazy theories about how the universe works, i don't have anyone who will cuddle with me for no reason at all except that we both like to. i don't have anyone who would take me to a dog park and run around and pet new doggos with me and i don't have anyone who would take me to a bookstore and look through all the books on the shelves with me and i don't have anyone who would just invite me to go grocery shopping with them because who knows what the hell can happen in a walmart with your best friend. and i don't have anyone who will go to aquariums and planetariums and art museums with me and i don't have anyone who will sit and paint with me and i don't have anyone who will invite themselves over just so we can both just sit and read.

i don't have anyone that wants to put as much love into me as i want to put into them. because i want to be this friend for every person, but no one wants me to be this person for them. and it makes me really sad.

and maybe i have high expectations and i just hold this highly romanticized version of what i think things should be like in my head, but when it comes down to it, i don't really want a significant other, i just want a best friend.

i think it sucks so much now not having someone like this because i used to have someone like that but we grew apart and so now i'm just left with no one and wanting everyone to be like him.

and i can't just get any of this kind of love or whatever from my family either because it's not like we don't love each other but we all barely talk and we eat dinner in separate rooms at 9 at night instead of sitting down together and all we ever do is fight with each other all the time, so that's out.

sorry for bothering you guys with all of that, if you read it i really appreciate it, thank you. i just need somewhere to get this stuff off my chest, this is a huge aspect of my life and it is always weighing down on me and it doesn't go away even though i wish it would, so it just helps to write it all out.

now that i'm done being all emo, here's some funny stuff to make up for it