Sanders Sides- Virgil

Cut And Cry

I stare up at my ceiling, the song "Synthetic Love" by Motionless In White blaring in my ears. Why do I feel so empty? I just want to die. I don't want to be here anymore. Im just a nobody laying here all alone in tears. I pause my music and sit up, listening to Thomas, Patten, Logan, and Roman talking to each other. I sigh. They never want me. They see me as a nuisance. So if they don't love me, then that means no one does. So I must be a waste.

I bite my lip and bury my face in to my hands. I let out a sob and cry and cry. So much wet pain falls down my cheeks and my fingers and palms and soaks into my skin. I scream out another sob and clench my hair, pulling on it. I can't take this pain much longer. I just feel like I'm going to die within myself and never make it in this shitty ass world. I don't want to live in this place much longer. All I feel here is pain and hurt and suffering and I don't know how to fix it. The only way to fix it is by death.

I stare down at my dark blankets and the knife that lays there. My eyesight is blurry with tears. My heart is shriveled up from this depression and longing to harm myself right now. "Why can't I just be normal?" I choke out. I start to rock back and forth, clutching my hair even more. I sniffle and sob some more. "Why can't I just fit in somewhere?" I squeeze my eyes shut and cry and sob and scream. I hope the others don't hear me. I don't need to be bothered right now.

I rip off my sweatshirt and throw it on the floor and grab my knife. I stare at the cuts already there. They cover all my skin on the backside of my arms, scars overlapping each other. I know I'm depressed. I know I have issues. I just don't want to admit it.

I make a slice on the front side of my right arm. And then I keep on cutting and crying.

One slice.

Two slice.

Three slice.

Four.

I just need to do some more.

I keep on cutting and cutting over and over again and crying until my eyes hurt. Blood leaks down my arm and soaks into my sheets. The sticky liquid spreads and I drop my knife with my shaky hand. "I hate...my life."

"Are you okay in there?"

I jump at the sound of Roman's voice. I quickly hide my knife and bloody sheets under clean comforters and put back on my sweatshirt, hiding the new cuts. I wipe away my tears and runny eyeshadow, swallow my tears, and pretend like nothing happened at all. That I've been fine all this time.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I say in my normal tone.

"You don't sound fine."

I sigh. God, I wish he would just leave me alone. "I'm okay. I'm fine."

The door opens and Roman walks in. He comes over and sits on my bed, a very concerned look on his face. "Virgil...I know that you're not okay. I know that something is wrong. We all do. That's what we were talking about downstairs. Sorry for leaving you up here."

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, whatever." 

He looks at me with deep worry. "You hardly even eat." He crosses one of his legs over the other, sitting straight up. "When was the last time you ate?"

I scratch the back of my neck, trying to remember. I shrug and say, "I don't know."

"Well the last time I saw you ate was three days ago, which was at dinner time. Was that the last time you ate?"

I narrow my eyes at him and furrow my eyebrows. "What are you..." I look away from him and on to the floor. "What are you..." I look back at him. "...suggesting?"

He sighs. "I'm suggesting that you're anorexic."

Fuck. He's on to me. Shit. Fuck. Shitty shit shit shit! He can't know! Then he'll try to stop me and I'll become fat and uglier! No no no no no!

"I'm not anorexic. Now can you leave me alone? I'm fine."

He gets up and turns his back to me and says, "I know that something is wrong with you, and I won't stop until I find out what it is." Then he leaves and shuts the door behind him.

I lift up my shirt and stare down at my fat saggy skin. Sure, there's much bone to see, but there's still so much fat to loose. That's why I haven't eaten in three days. And at the rare times I do eat, I always throw up in the toilet. I'm 5" 10" and 120 pounds, but that's not enough. I don't think 80 pounds is even enough. As long as my skin disappears and I just wither away into bones and ash, then I will reach paradise. A place where I can be myself and be loved and accepted by all instead of living in this Hell of a world. A poor excuse for Heaven.

"Virgil!" I hear Thomas yell to me from downstairs. Oh great. I have to go help him with another problem or I'm going to have to deal with them worrying about me. I don't want to deal with this motherfucking bullshit.

I appear in my corner of the living room, everyone else but Roman here. Good. That means he won't be able to tell the others abut our encounter. Now I should probably see what's going on.

"So, what's going on now?" I ask, not really giving a shit at the moment.

Patten yells, "THOMAS HAS A COLD! MY POOR SON IS SICK!"

"And I'm anxious that I'll get more sick, so that's why you're here," Thomas says.

Omfg, this is what they wanted me for? I already have enough shit to worry about.

"Well, then just take medicine. It's not that hard." Wow. I didn't come out with an insult. Guess I'm not in the mood right now.

"Virgil, are you okay? You seem..." Logan pulls out his notecards and reads off one of them. "You seem very off today." He looks over at Thomas. "Did I get it right?"

Thomas nods. "Yeah."

Logan puts away his notecards and turns back to me. "Are you sure that everything is okay? You haven't seemed like yourself lately."

Fuck, not this shit again. "I'm doing fine. Will you guys just stop worrying about me?"

Then Thomas speaks up again. "Virgil, you are a part of me. I could never stop worrying about you."

Patten says with a bright smile, "Yeah, kiddo! You can tell us anything! It's a safe community here!"

"Wow, Patten just used a big word. Impressive," Logan remarks.

I roll my eyes and throw my hands up in the air. "Well, I'm doing fine. Can I leave now?"

Thomas nods. "Yes, you can, but we're going to have a meeting later and you are going to tell us about what's going on."

"It's nothing. I'm fine. Now bye."

"BYE MY DARK STRANGE SON!" Patten yells.

"Bye." I leave and go back to my room.