Sanders Sides- Virgil

Tearstricken

Hours pass by as I just sit in the corner of my room, my hands over my ears, huddled up into a ball, crying, and just trying to block out the evil voices in my head. Most of the time, when stuff like this happens, I cut on and on and on. Which, by the way, I did do that. I know it's not healthy to cut, but I can't help it. Ya, sure, I've already done this today, but I don't care. As long as it helps me cope with my anxiety and depression and anorexia and all of my other problems, then I'll be all set.

The nasty voice sounds just like mine, except it drips with venom, its poisonous words torturing my thoughts every minute I am awake. I cry harder when it starts to speak a little harsher.

You're worthless, you know that? The others don't like you. They hate you. They would be better off without you for you are a nuisance, an annoyance, a mistake. You were never meant to be here. You just showed up. They want you to disappear again. Do us all a favor and just go kill yourself.

I whisper back to the voice, "They don't hate me. They love me."

The voice sneers. No they don't. They all want you gone. Why do you think they always complain or scream or look frightened whenever you come around? It's because they hate you. They want you gone, to die, to cut, to suffer. If you went and died, you would make Thomas' life so much easier. So take that blade that is right beside you and cut open your throat. Let the blood leak out and soak into the floor. Then you will be at peace and the other will find pure happiness.

I look over at the blade and quickly grab it. "You are right. I must do this." I hold the blade up against my throat, pressing it into my skin. I bite my lip and make a soft sob. My hands start to shake. "I don't want to do this," I choke out. I drop the blade on to the floor. "I don't have the will to make myself die." I scream out sobs and bury my face into my hands, tears flowing out like a depressed waterfall.

Why do I have to be such a disappointment? I can't even live right, nor mind be happy. Maybe the voice is right. Maybe I should just......go kill myself. Then I would reach eternal grace and joy. Not like the others would care.

I close my eyes and make a few slices on my wrist with my trusty blade. Then I roll down my sleeve and put the blade down.

I open my eyes to find myself in Thomas' living room. What the hell? Ohhh yeah, he did say that he was going to summon me later in the day to talk about 'what's wrong with me.' Great. Just great.

I quickly put on my hood to hide my disgusting, ugly face. "What do you guys want?" I ask in annoyance.

Logan crosses his arms over his chest and is the first to speak. "Virgil, we all know that something is wrong with you. So, we brought you here today to discuss your issues." I open up my mouth to speak but he interrupts me. "And I know that you are going to deny it and say that there is nothing wrong with you, but we hear crying coming from your room every night, throughout the day, so we know that something is very wrong. It is a safe place here. You can tell us what is going on."

"Yeah, kiddo, you can tell us anything!" Patten exclaims.

I sigh and shake my head. "I don't cry at night, during the day, never. You must be imagining things."

"Stop being in denial, Virgil!" Roman yells, taking us all a bit back. I turn towards him, a little bit, surprised by his little outburst. "I never see you eat, I never see you sleep, all I hear from your room is crying and screaming, depression reeks off of you, and it bothers the fuck out of me that you just won't admit to us all that you have depression and anorexia!" I pull my hood more over my face to hide the tears that prickle my eyes.

Thomas looks at me and asks, "Is this true, Virgil?"

I grunt in annoyance. "Is what true?"

"Is it true that you are anorexic and have depression?"

I sneer it off to hide my anxiety rising. "No, I don't."

"You're lying," Logan, Roman, and Thomas all say at once.

I roll my eyes. "How do you know?"

"Virgil."

I turn to Logan. "Yes?"

"Take off your shirt and sweatshirt."

"What? Why?" My heartbeat increases and so does my breath. No no no no no! They can't know about my cuts and such frail bones! They can't know at all, they just can't!

"Just take them off."

"No."

"Virgil..."

"Did you hear me? I said no."

"Don't make me have Roman force you to do this."

I snarl, "Nobody's going to force me to do something that I don't want to do."

Logan turns to Roman. "Roman." He points over to me. "Take them off."

Patten comes up to my defense. "Ya know, maybe we shouldn't do this. If the kiddo doesn't want to, then he shouldn't-"

Logan orders, "Patten, shut up."

"Well, I'm gonna go now. Thanks for the chat." I get up and start to walk away, but Roman grabs me from behind. I kick and thrash, trying to break free, but his grip just becomes tighter. "Roman! Let go of me!" To this, he rips off my sweatshirt and throws it on the floor, revealing all of my cuts. "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!" I scream at the top of my lungs, still trying to break free.

Roman grabs my arms and spins me around, holding my arms up so everyone can see my scars. Patten bursts into tears. Thomas gets teary eyed. Logan sobs in to his hands. I look down at the ground in tears. I can't believe they know my secret. After so many years of denial and suffering, they finally know it. I think I'm about to have a panic attack.

I start to breath hard and my hands start to shake. I feel my legs go weak and I fall to the ground, my heart rate picking up. I feel as if I am suffocating.

"Virgil? Are you okay?" Roman asks.

I shake my head and put it in betwixt my knees. I put my hands in my hair, pulling on it tightly, trying to calm myself down. It's no use. I gulp in air, trying to regain control, but it doesn't work. I feel the air almost leave my lungs. I rock back and forth, my hands shaking slightly more. Great. Just great.

"Virgil? What's wrong?" Patten asks, worry coating his voice.

I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping that it'll go away soon.

"Isn't it obvious?" Roman says. "He's having a panic attack." I feel arms wrap around me and pull me on to their lap. I look up at the face of who is hugging and surprisingly enough, I see Roman. He rubs my back while pressing my face back in to his chest, "Shhh shhhh, it's okay. Everything will be okay. Just calm down. It's alright. Just breath in and breath out. Then you will be perfectly fine." Shockingly, his words comfort me and I start to calm down a little bit.

I start to cry in to his chest, pouring out all of my love and hate and pain of built up suffering. I grip onto his shirt, cuddling up more against him. I love him. I honestly do. I am in love with Roman. I'll love who I want no matter what.

"It's okay, it's okay. Just tell me why you cut yourself."

"Because of you guys."