Sanders Sides- Virgil

Forgiveness or maybe not

I put on the song, 'Fine Again' by Seether and turn the volume on my phone all the way up, but I can sadly still hear Roman pounding on my door. I sigh. Can't he just get the hint and leave me the fuck alone? Then maybe I can be in a somewhat moment of peace, but he won't leave me the literal fuck alone. Maybe I should get up and let him in and hear what he has to say? No because I might yell at me again, but then, maybe he won't. Fuck it, I'll let him in.

I pause my music, rip off my headphones, stand up, and walk over to my door. I hear Roman weakly knocking on the door. I wonder how long he's been doing that. I unlock my door and open it, and look up at his face. Tears fill his eyes and they stream down his sorrowful face. I frown at him, but then I instantly remember what he did to me, so I stare back down at the ground and whisper, "What do you want?"

I hear Roman breath in and then breath out. He sighs and says, "I just wanted to apologize for what I said. It was wrong and uncalled for. You're not the reason why Thomas had a panic attack. He had one because Logan was making him work too hard on one of his videos."

"And how long ago did you find that out?" I quickly look up at him, still kind of avoiding eye contact.

"About ten minutes ago. I came up here right after I found out. Why?"

I feel my throat clench up. Tears come to my eyes and I choke out, "So you only came up here to apologize because you knew for a fact that it wasn't my fault? Not because you were truly sorry for what you said to me?" I clench my hands into fists to stop myself from shaking.

"What? No, no!" He throws his hands up in the air. "I came here to sincerely apologize because right after I left you in the kitchen, I instantly knew what I said was wrong, but I had to take care of Thomas first."

I nod in understanding. "Okay. Thanks." I start to close the door on him, but he stopped me.

"Virgil, I never meant what I said. I love you with all of my fucking heart and I'm so fucking sorry that I said such awful, horrid things to you." Tears fill his eyes. "Now will you please let me in?"

I sigh and nod, letting him in my dark bedroom. He sits over on my bed, I close my door, and sit next to him. I avoid eye contact because I don't think I can take looking into his sorrowful eyes again. So much regret could kill ones mind by just one touch.

"Hey." Like the dumbass I am, I look up at Roman's regretful filled eyes. He sighs. "Let me just cut to the chase." He takes my hand in his. We both stare at our conjoined hands as he speaks. "Did you hurt yourself in any way, shape, or form?"

I start to consider if I should lie to him. I don't want to worry him even more and make him feel even more bad, but then I don't want to lie to him either. Is it worth hurting him and to speak the truth, or should I just lie and keep him protected from the ways I hurt myself? Fuck, I don't know what to do! This is so fucking hard and confusing! Lucifer, why am I suck a fuck up? Goddammit-

"Stop contemplating if you should lie to me or not and just tell me the truth."

I look up at Roman and sigh. "It's better if I show you than just tell you."

He nods. "Okay."

I take off my hoodie and shirt and throw them on the floor. I look up at Roman to see tears in his eyes. He opens his mouth to speak but silence replaces where words of unhappiness should be. Then he covers his mouth with his right hand and sobs into it. Tears stream down his face and sorrow surrounds him like a dark grey cloud of depression. While I stare off into a lonely abyss, he tackles me into a hug, squeezing me so hard that I can hardly breath.

"Virgil," he chokes out. "Did I make you do this?"

I sigh and start to cry, knowing that I have to speak the truth. As a tear slips out of my eye, and my black eyeshadow smears, I say in regret, "Yes." I close my eyes and let out a few loud sobs. Roman's follow right after me.