Sanders Sides- Virgil

Confusion

A/N: So I changed Logan to Roman for who Virgil is in love with for reasons so yaaaaa. I updated my last one which changes it. Peace out!

Patten instantly starts crying. Logan gives me a look of concern and confusion. Roman looks as if he's on the brim of tears.

Roman speaks first, his voice cracking. "What do you mean we caused you to...to do this?" He holds up my scarred wrist.

I look away from their faces and at the floor. I don't want to tell them. Then I'll see even more weak and vulnerable. They'll make fun of me and hate on me like they always do. They make me hate myself. I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to die or go to a better place. Anything is better than here...even if it separates me from Roman.

I shake my head and bury my face more into my knees. They can't know. Then they'll feel bad. They just can't know...

"How have I failed as a father?!" Patten.

"Shhhh Patten, calm down. It's alright, it's alright. You did nothing wrong. Just calm down. Shhhh. Deep breathes. Deep breathes. That's it. Breath in and out, in and out." Logan.

I feel arms tighten around me and a voice say, "I think you two should leave." Roman.

"Yes, very much so," Logan responds. "Come on, let's go, Patten." I hear him drag our Dad away to another room.

Roman snaps his fingers and I open my eyes to see that we're in his room. That means we must've left poor Thomas all alone...I shake my head. I have no time to think about that. I have my own problems to deal with.

I look up at Roman's face and I open my mouth to break the awkward silence but he beats me to it. "How long have you been cutting yourself?"

My lips start to tremble and I start to full on out cry in front of the man of my dreams. He pulls me closer and rubs circles on my back, trying to comfort me. I calm myself down a little bit and look back up in to his eyes. "For about three years." I choke back a sob as all of the painful memories captivate my brain.

"Shhh shhhh." He rubs my back with his thumb. "How long have you been depressed?"

"Ever since I popped up here." I scream and cry in to his shirt, making it wet. I hope he doesn't mind.

He pulls me back and cups my face in his hands. "How do we make you depressed?"

I snort. "Isn't is obvious?"

He makes a pouty face. "Pleeeaaassseee Virgil, just tell me!"

I cast my eyes down. "I don't want to hurt your feelings."

"I don't care if you do. All I want to do is help you."

I sigh in frustration, anger, sadness, and despair. "Fine, I'll tell you, but you can't tell the others."

He looks at me. "Okay."

"Promise?"

He gives me a gentle smile. "Promise."

I look away from his beauti- I look away from his eyes, yeah, just his big adorable eyes... Fuck! I take in a deep breath and start, trying to be calm, but instead, I let it all out.

"I'm depressed because you and Logan always make fun of me! You call me weird, a freak, a mistake, a disease, an infection, worthless, a DISORDER! And then every time something goes wrong, you guys always blame me! It's not always my fault, ya know! We've showed that many times, but oh no! It's always me who has to be the bad guy! No matter what, I'm the villain! No matter what I say or what I do or how I act or what I'm going through, it's always my fault. Everything is my fault. Do you know what that feels like? To feel as if you're a worthless piece of shit burden to the people you love most?" He opens his mouth to say something, but I interrupt him before he can speak. "No! You don't! You're a prince for crying out loud! A fucking prince!" I tighten my hands into fists and I can already feel a panic attack coming on in the back of my mind. "You all hate me! You all fucking hate me! You may never admit it out loud, but we all know that everyone would be better off if I was dead! Then Thomas could live a life of freedom and happiness and you guys could live on without having to feel burdened or having to put up with a mistake everyday! I don't have the will to kill myself, so I draw on my skin instead! Believe me, I tried slitting my throat today, but I couldn't do it! I started to have second guesses and questioning thoughts, so I put down that knife and cut my wrists instead! Then you all summoned me and now I'm in this mess and I just want to fucking die and I think that I am ready to kill myself! Then you all would be free of me and would finally have the happiness that you deserve! I hate being yelled at every motherfucking day for making a so called 'mistake'! I hate having to live with this pain, knowing that no one cares about you and that you'll never be loved for who you are because you always play the role of the villain! I hate how everyone doesn't give a literal fuck about me until something goes wrong! I stay up in my room all day long and no one ever comes to pay me a visit! No, you guys are all too busy worrying about Thomas! Then, oh no, something is wrong with him! So what do you do? You call me up and point your accusing fingers at me and tell me that I'm at fault, and most of the time, I don't know what the fuck you guys are talking about! Even Patten- the one who's always happy and cheerful- blames me sometimes! I hate how everyone hates me! I just want to die! Motherfucker, I JUST WANT TO DIE!" I burst into tears at the end of my blabbering to bury my face in my hands. I then look up to see Roman crying. Shit, I've made him feel bad...This makes me cry even harder.

"Virgil, I-" His voice cracks and his sadness stabs me in the heart. "I-I-" He buries his face in his hands and sobs and sobs and sobs. I cry too, harder than him. He looks up at me, his eyes red. "I'm so sorry. I-I don't hate you......at all! I just...I don't know...you are just so dark that you were the easiest one to blame it on. I don't know why we did. I'm so sorry, Virgil. I promise that it'll never happen again." 

I hear genuine apologies in his voice, so I nod, but then a thought creeps into my head. "But what if the others don't agree? What if you're lying!?" I bury my head between my knees. I start to shake violently and cry even more, if that's possible. I clench my hands into fists in my hair, pulling on my hair. Tears coat my vision and my cheeks. I rock back and forth, whispering, "I want to die. I want to die," over and over again.

I feel arms wrap around me and pull me onto their lap. Roman whispers in my ear, "I'm not lying. I care about you, Virgil, even if I've never shown it before. And please, I beg of you, if you ever feel like harming yourself ever again, come into my room and tell me. I don't care what time it is or what I am doing. I will drop everything just for you. Even a video with Thomas." He rubs my back but it doesn't calm my panic attack. I feel my lungs starting to lose air and I shake and cry and I can't breath. "Virgil, calm down. It's okay. Everything will be okay. I promise. Okay? It'll all be okay. Fine. Just fine."

I shake my head and bury myself in to his chest. God, I love him, but I know damn well that he could never return those feelings. And even if he did, it wouldn't last long. He would realize quickly that I'm a feelingless, heartless monster who's too much handle and would leave me behind to die. All I know is that if he ever did break my heart...

He would be ending my life too.