Sanders Sides- Virgil

Jesus Is An Emo

Roman hasn't talked to me in two days and I'm starting to get really worried. Maybe I really did fuck up with him...? I do t know. I've been having anxious thoughts for the past two days and I haven't eaten or slept and I've cut and yeah. I haven't been doing so good. I probably should put on some music. Yeah, I should do that.

I turn on the song Would Jesus? from the movie Emo: The Musical. I love this song so much and it makes me happy and it makes so much sense.

Do you think Jesus smiled all the time?
I don't think so
I don't think so
Think He locked himself in His room and cried?
I think so
Yes, I think so

Jesus is like me according to this song. I never smile. I cry a lot. Well, I lock myself in my room and cry, just like what the song said. But everyone thinks that I'm strong and fine because they can't see that I'm dying inside.

Do you think there might have been a chance
He liked My Chemical Romance?
Yes I think so

Could Jesus have been an emo?

I wonder if Roman is ever going to come check on me. He must be worrying about me, right? Or maybe he doesn't care about me anymore? I don't know. I'm actually afraid to know. What if he breaks my heart once again and I kill myself because of it? I don't want to lose him. He's all I've got. I love him way too much for him to give up on me at this moment of my life. I'm too depressed to deal with that kind of shit right now. But what if he does breakup with me? I don't know.

His blood it fell in Crimson shades
His crucifix a razor blade

Was Jesus an emo?

I must be crucified all the time then. And yes, Jesus was an emo.

He felt the pain of all mankind but Elmo's do that all the time

Was Jesus an emo?

Jesus said 'Blessed are those who mourn'
Emos embrace that ideal
Both faced ridicule and scorn
Misrepresented in the media

Maybe I'm misrepresenting myself to Roman? I don't know. This is all so confusing. Part of me wants to go to his room and tell him how I feel and that I miss him and his kisses and hugs and just, well, him. But I'm also so afraid that he'll reject me and breakup with me and smash my heart into a million pieces. I don't think my heart can take pain like that ever again. One can only take so much.

Jesus would know what they go through
If He'd been in high school too
I think that
They'd persecute Him like an emo
Jesus would have been an emo
Jesus would have been an emo

Maybe I could explain myself to Roman through this song. Tell him that I've been rejected for who I am for so long that I'm afraid to show someone my true self in fear that they'll shut me out. But would he understand what it's like to be persecuted for being yourself? I think not. Everyone loves him and he would be considered the hot popular kid while I'm the weird freaky emo. According to the world, people like me and him don't belong together. That we're two complete opposites who should hate each other. But here I am, worrying about him and loving him. And I hope that he's doing the same for me.

Given wedgies after class
He never got the grades to pass
Jesus would've been an emo
Failed at science, failed at gym
And no girl would have dated him
Cause who wants their boyfriend crucified
At the formal?

Jesus would've been an emo

I know, I must sound like a pussy right now, worrying over such frivolous things, but I can't help it. I'm the embodiment of anxiety for crying out loud. How can I not? I worry about every little thing and I'm never calm and I'm just a worthless wreck. I hate myself. I honest to god do.

I hear a knock on my door. "Come in," I mumble.

Roman opens my door and says, "Are you ready to tell me what's bothering you now?"

I feel myself start to grow angry. After me trying to contact him for the past two days, this is all he has to say to me? It's easier to give up and to give in than to resist and probably make him even more mad.

I sigh, trying to calm myself, but instead, I yell, "I cut myself, okay?! I was feeling anxious so I cut myself and I cut myself today because I was having anxious thoughts about how I thought you hated me! Okay?! But I'm perfectly fine now! Perfectly fine..." I look down at my floor, avoiding eye contact. I don't want to see the negative emotions that he probably holds within his eyes.

Roman comes over to me and forces our eyes to meet. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I sigh. "Because I didn't want to add more baggage onto your shoulders," I mumble.

I hear him sigh and he pulls me into a hug. "Virgie, you wouldn't be adding any baggage to my shoulders. It's my job to worry about you. You're my boyfriend for fuck sake! I could never stop worrying about you, even if I tried. The only reason I ignored you for two days was because I thought you needed some alone time, but I guess I was wrong." He looks at me sadly and kisses me on the lips. "Mind showing me the cuts?" Knew that was coming.

I sigh. "Okay." I roll down my sleeve and show him my arm. He frowns and caresses my cuts with his thumb.

"Promise me to never cut yourself ever again."

"No. I never will."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't make promises that I can't keep."