Sanders Sides- Virgil

Broken

I think Roman is mad at me. It's been a week since we didn't talk to each other for two days and now he's giving me the silent treatment again. I don't understand what I did. Was it something I said? Something I did to hurt his feeling unintentionally? I don't know. I would ask him, but he's been ignoring me for the past three days, so I can't exactly do that.

Within these three days, I haven't ate or drank anything but water. I've probably lost weight but that's okay. I don't really care at this point. Though, maybe I should eat a little something............nah, I'm good. Just ignore that rumbling in my stomach and keep on going.

Maybe he's trying to find of a way to breakup with me. I mean, it's possible. I've known all along that he would leave me someday because I would become too much for him. I just didn't know that it would be this soon. Or that it wouldn't be as painful as I thought it would be. I feel so...unemotional. Like someone took away all of my senses of feeling something. I feel numb. Is that normal? I don't think so.

The good news is that I haven't cut at all. The voice hasn't been bothering me too much lately so that's good. My positivity and negativity are both staring to wear away. Or maybe that's a sign that I'm starting to become even more empty. I don't know. This is all so confusing. I feel like I should be super depressed right now, but I'm not. I don't feel like dying. I don't feel like crying. I don't feel like cutting. I just feel like sitting in my room, all alone, listening to music, and doing nothing. I don't even have any source of motivation. That's normal though. Maybe I should duck out again from the equation. Make it so Thomas can finally be relaxed for once in his life. But after seeing what happened last time, I would probably be doing more harm than good.

I've been sitting on my bed, staring at the wall, just replaying different scenarios onto why Roman would be ignoring me. I mean, I probably deserve it. I am a horrible person, but I just wish he would tell me what the fuck I did wrong. Then I could maybe fix it. Fix our relationship. But no, he has to give me the punishment of silence. Maybe it's his cry out to me for me to come to him. Ha! That's just going to backfire on him because his punishment from me is that I'm not going to go chase after him. I'm not that desperate. At least, I don't think so...

Patton is very worried about me. He keeps knocking on my door, asking me if I'm okay, leaving me food outside of my bedroom, trying to get me out of my room. None of those pleads have worked, obviously. I don't answer any of them either. I just ignore him and keep on staring at the wall. That's right. All I have for companionship I threw away and I just have this stupid fucking wall.

You probably do deserve to just being sitting there in absolute pain. You probably did piss Roman off somehow. Why else would he be ignoring you?

The voice has a point. I nod and say back, "You're right. I must've done something wrong to make him do this to me."

Quite so! I think it's time to get out your best friend- your only friend- Blade.

I nod and go over to my bathroom. I open up the cupboard underneath the sink and take out my razor. I look in the mirror as I raise up the sharp object and slice a small cut on my collarbone. Not enough for it to hurt too much, but enough for it to bleed.

Then I throw my razor across the room and sink down to my knees crying, a flood of emotions washing over me. I start talking through my sobs to myself, wanting to get my thoughts out of my fucking head. "Why has Roman been ignoring me? He's supposed to be my boyfriend. Boyfriends aren't supposed to ignore you, right? Then why is he ignoring me? What have I done that's so fucking wrong?!" I kick the bathtub and cry harder. "We used to spend all of our time together! Now what do we do? We ignore each other! That's not the way a relationship is supposed to work! Your partner is not supposed to ignore you and treat you like shit and punish you for something that you have no clue about! They're supposed to be with you and love you and tell you their feelings and thoughts and share mostly everything with you! So why isn't he doing that with me?..." I start to sob loudly and I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping that the tears will stop coming, but they don't. They just keep pouring out of my eyes and running down my cheeks. "Roman..." I call out weakly. "I need Roman..." I move closer within myself, hugging myself tighter and burying my face more between my knees. "I need you, Roman. Why won't you come? You're supposed to save damsels in distress, right? Then come and save me, Roman. Save me!"

My whole body starts to shake so I grip onto my hair, pulling on it, just wanting to calm down, but I need Roman for that...and he's not here. Will he ever come and save me or will he just leave me in despair? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Not emotions, not logic, not morals...Not even love. I don't know if Roman still loves me...and that's just so terrifying to think about.

Then the sound of a knock comes on my door. I groan and sniffle. Probably just Patton again. It's sweet that he checks on me and all, but it's also very annoying.

I slam the bathroom for shut and just curl up in the corner. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. None of them deserve to see me in this fragile state. They would freak out and I don't want that.

I hear a far away sounding voice, but I can't make out who it is or what they're saying. It's probably just Patton anyways. He'll go away at some point. At least, I hope he will.

At that moment, my bathroom door slams open. I look up to see...