Sanders Sides- Virgil

Everything goes downhill from here

I feel like pure shit. Everything is ruined, my heart is broken, and I just want to kill myself. I was hurt so much, so fucking much...Oh wait, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. *sigh* Let me start from the beginning.

*Flashback*

I woke up in my bed to see no Roman. What the fuck? I get up and scratch my head, making its way through my messy ass hair. Last night I had a panic attack because of a nightmare but like the idiot I am, I didn't wake Roman up, so I suffered through it alone. Then I dreamed of having panic attacks which caused me to have one in my sleep. So let's just say I got no sleep last night.

I step out into the darkened hallway and then I realize what's wrong.

Everything is so damn quiet. So fucking quiet.

I head downstairs to see if anyone is down there, and when I reach the bottom of the steps, I hear crying. No, more like wailing. How did I not here it from upstairs? I must be deaf or some shit. Who fucking knows.

I walk over to where I hear the crying and I see Thomas huddled up in a ball, shaking, and crying, and the other three surrounding him, trying to calm him, but failing, and worry fills their faces. I rush over to them and frown at the situation.

Roman looks over at me with menacing eyes and says in anger, "What the fuck did you do now? What the hell happened to put him in his state?!" Okay, now he's yelling. I hate it when people yell. It causes me to have panic attacks...especially is the ones who I love yell at me.

My eyes grow wide and I start to feel my hands shake. "I-I...d-din't do anything. Honest!" I put my hands up in self defense, trying to get him off my case.

He grabs my arm tightly and pulls me over to the kitchen, slamming the door. He spins me around so I face him and asks, "Are you the reason why Thomas is having a panic attack?" His eyes are so cold. So fucking cold.

I bite my bottom lip and stare down at the floor, refusing to meet his eyes. "Well, I did have two panic attacks last night, but I recovered." I look back up at his eyes and he seems even more angry.

His grip on my wrist tightens and his nails dig in my scars. "Why the fuck did you not wake me up?"

He's right. Why didn't I? This is all my fault. Everything is my fault.

I say in an almost inaudible voice, "I thought you overworked yourself so I wanted you to get some sleep so that's why I didn't wake you up."

He lets go of my wrist but he has more anger in his eyes. It scares me. "Didn't you think that that could have affected Thomas? Because it certainly is now!" I flinch as he yells his last sentence.

"I-I-I..." I fumble with the cuffs of my sweatshirt and squeeze my eyes shut to keep in the years that threaten to spill out. "I didn't think it would," I whisper.

Roman sighs and throws his hands up in the air as a sign of defeat. "You wanna know what? I don't want to date someone who hurts a part of me." Tears prickle my eyes. "Now, if you excuse me, I have to go take care of Thomas." He pushes past me, and right when I hear the kitchen door shut, I sink down into my room.

Tears spill out of my eyes and trickle down my face. I roll up in a ball and scream and cry. Why did I ever think that we would last forever and be happy? Life isn't a fairytale. Life is a piece of shit slave owner that will tear you down until someone or something kills you or you kill yourself. Life is a game, a very fucking sick game. It throws love at you when you need it the most. Gives you someone who seems so perfect, someone who keeps you from cutting and puking and makes you eat and loves for you and cares for you and just saves you from yourself. Then you don feel depressed anymore and you finally feel happy for once in your pathetic life. But oh no, the game isn't over. It's just begun. Soon life comes and grabs your love away from you, and guess what. You go back into an even deeper depression than before, which causes many people to kill themselves because of what happened to them. As Chris Motionless once said, 'We are the cursed, the damned, and the broken. There's so much more inside us. We are the lost, the sick, and unspoken. There's so much more inside us.' There are more inside of us, but no one can see it. All they see are broken pieces of forgotten years and flesh that is so rotten that even a rat won't eat it. It's too gross for those disgusting creatures. That's what I am right now. A decaying body that's too disgusting for even rats to devour for I am broken. Roman has made me even more broken, and I think I'm ready to break myself tonight.

Tears brim my eyes and I run to my bathroom and I don't bother to lock the door. Not like anyone will comes check on me. I grab my knife from underneath the sink, rip off my sweatshirt, and shirt. I start to make cuts on myself everywhere. My chest, my arms, my shoulders. Anything that reaches out to me. I watch as the blood drips put of me and makes a pool of redness on the white floor. I let out a wailing cry and drop the now bloody knife and cry in my hands. Why does life have to hate me so much? What have I ever done to it? Nothing. Nothing at all.

I sniffle and lean back against the sink. I shut my eyes and start to sing a song I love to calm my anxiety since I'm shaking and crying even more.

"Come smoke a cigarette and let your hair down
Then pray for the rain to go away
I'm trying to forget I let us both down
Then pray for the sun to come again

I never thought I could feel so small
But you're the one that can't live without attention
I never thought I would lose this all
But you're the one who needs the fucking intervention

Now I'm reliving my whole damn life
And it's a shame that I can't remember
And now I'm living the same damn lie
It's a shame, but nothing's forever

With every new regret I start to wear down
Then pray for the pain to go away
I need an amulet, I need a new sound
I know everything reminds the same

I never thought I could feel so small
I'm the one who will suffer this detention
I never thought I would lose this all
But I accept this is my new education

Now I'm reliving my whole damn life
And it's a shame that I can't remember
And now I'm living the same damn lie
It's a shame, but nothing's forever

Now I'm reliving my whole damn life
And it's a shame that I can't remember
And now I'm living the same damn lie
It's a shame, but nothing's forever"

I start to cry harder, but then I get up and clean up my cuts and wrap them all up in bandages. I look at myself in the mirror after putting back on my shirt and hoodie. My makeup streams down my face, and now I see why Roman left me. Because I'm such a disgrace, and no prince wants someone who's less than perfect. And I'm the most imperfect human being you'll ever meet.

I slam my bathroom door and sit on my bed, feeling myself close down and my emotions shut off, which is worse than crying nonstop. This would happen a lot when the other would insult me nonstop. I would lock myself up in my room, shut off my feelings, and just sit in bed, staring at the wall.

I hear a knock on my door, making me come out of my haze. I lift up my head and say in a monotone voice, "Who is it?"

"It's Roman."

I freeze. Oh no. "What do you want?"

"I want to apologize for my actions."

And then I say something that I never thought I would. "Fuck off." And I block him off with my headphones.