Flaws and All

Forty Eight

"Tito, I want to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage"

I was eighteen that time when I asked for her father's blessings. Umupo ito ng maayos habang tila tinatantya kung seryoso ba ako o hindi. I kept my cool and sat comfortably on their couch.

"You are too young for this Zarette"

"Tito hindi ngayon, hindi pa ho kami ng anak nyo."

"Then why ask me this?" uminom sya sa kanyang wine at tinignan ako. I've never been so intimidated, I am used to be the one to intimidate others. Pero iba ang sitwasyon.

"So you would say no to her future suitors." ngumisi ako sa naisip pero hindi ko iyon sinaboses. I don't want to give him a bad impression of me.

"Hindi ko ho nililigawan ang anak nyo para maging girlfriend lang. I am actually pursuing her because I want her as my wife. Mahal na mahal ko ho ang anak nyo" tumikhim sya at humalukipkip.

Damn, I'm one terrified asshole.

"Bata pa ang anak ko para sa mga ganitong bagay. What made you think you'll end up with her, Zarette?"

"I'll do everything to have her, in every way possible tito. I have and I trust my ways."

"And what if she'll end up with another man?"

"That's why I am asking for you approval Tito. So you would say no to her future suitors. Wala din naman po akong balak pakawalan si Ma...Xochitl. Sigurado na po ako sa anak nyo" humalakhak ito at tinapik ang balikat ko. I exhaled deeply and rested my sweaty palms on my knees.

"You got me, hijo. You just have to get my daughter's approval. Just don't hurt her, I will kill you" pagbabanta nya.

"I can't promise not to hurt her, Tito. Love is not as easy as it seems to be. Love is not supposed to be easy, it is supposed to be worth it"

Binigyan ako ng karapatan ng ama nya para bantayan si Madox, para matulog sa bahay nila, para makasama nya araw araw. But he jokingly warned me to not to get her pregnant. Wala rin naman iyon sa plano ko dahil bata pa kami, but we'll get there.

I woke up with her beside me, ilang beses akong tumitig at nag isip pero isa lang ang kumpirmado ko.

I want her to be my wife.

"Zarette, I'm pregnant" my world fell apart. I grasped for words but I can't even open my mouth. Wala akong maalala nong araw na iyon, and when I have my blood and urine samples tested it resulted positive. Hindi sa katulad na date drugs na inihalo noon sa inumin ni Madox, GHB ang kay Madox noon Rohypnol ang sa akin.

"Walang nangyari sa atin, Amaryllis" determinado kong sabi kahit pa hindi ko maalala kung meron nga o wala.

Wala pa akong matinong tulog simula nung araw na nahuli kami ni Madox na magkasama sa Extension room. I can't blame her for her vile thoughts about me. Pero hindi ko rin naman pwedeng sisihin ang sarili ko. I was under the influence that time, hindi ko ginustong mapunta sa ganoong sitwasyon.

"Pero ikaw lang ang pwedeng maging ama nito. You were my first"

"No. I know I'm not responsible with that baby. Amaryllis ano pa bang gusto mo? Nasira mo na kami ni Madox, sinira mo na ang buhay ko!"

"Gusto kong magpaka-ama ka sa magiging anak natin!"

"Okay then. Sasamahan kita sa check ups, hanggang sa manganak ka. Pagkatapos 'non magpapa-DNA tayo para matapos na tong kalokohan na 'to"

Humawak sya sa braso ko at pinilit akong humarap sa kanya. I looked at her sharply but she looked at me with her teary eyes.

"Why can't you love me back, Zarette?! Bakit hindi mo ako kayang mahalin ulit? Kahit para sa anak natin"