It's been three months since Derek left Beacon Hills. He didn't say bye to anyone. He left his pack without an alpha. Then all of a sudden he's back, but he seems out of character. Stiles automatically assumes he's been cursed, that is until he find...
Stiles' breath caught in his throat. He had heard it from the others but never directly from Derek and it was strange. The thought still baffled him.
"Why?" Stiles found himself asking.
"Why am I in love with you?" Derek asked. Was Stiles really asking him that?
"I just don't get it, you hated me so much, it just doesn't make sense," Stiles frowned.
"Hated you? Stiles, I never hated you," Derek shook his head, "I didn't trust you at first, but that changed very quickly. You wormed your way into my heart and it scared the hell out of me. I found myself worrying about you all the time. It frustrated me, especially cause you kept running head first into trouble. That's why I fought you so hard all the time. I just wanted you to be safe. I started to feel a pull towards you I hadn't before, then you did the thing with the mountain ash and I knew...you were my true emissary. I was so happy but then I realized what that meant for you. You would be risking your life even more, and for me. I didn't want that for you, so I was going to fix it. I know now, that I was wrong to do that, and I'm so sorry. It wasn't my choice to make," Derek dropped his head.
Stiles felt his spark reach out to comfort Derek.
"You still didn't answer my question," Stiles said fighting to keep from giving into his spark. He wanted to know why Derek loved him.
"Gage said something to me once, he said you reminded him of Laura. I agree. She was the most amazing person ever. Her and I were close once. Gage said I was scared of how much you reminded me of her. I think I was just afraid of losing you like I did her. You ended up being someone I cared about, more than I wanted to. I tried not to love you, I tried so hard, but it didn't work. Every time I tried to do right by you, I only ended up hurting you," Derek swallowed nervously, "I know now, it's because I was pushing you away, thinking it was what was best. It's not my job to decide what is best for you, so from now on, I promise to leave that up to you," Derek dropped his eyes to the floor. It was odd for him to be so open with Stiles.
"Derek, you have to know, I feel the same way about you but..." Stiles paused, he couldn't believe he was saying this.
"No, I forgive you, for everything, it's just that I... I can't be with someone who won't let me in," Stiles bit at his bottom lip once again.
"What if I do let you in?" Derek looked at Stiles with hopeful eyes.
"You have to do more than just say it, you have to actually let me in," Stiles shook his head.
"I know, I want to."
Stiles frowned. Was he serious? Would he actually do it?
"You'll have to prove it first," Stiles felt himself wanting Derek even more. The possibility that Derek Hale would actually be open with Stiles was an exciting thought.
"Of course," Derek nodded.
Stiles couldn't help it, he wrapped his arms around Derek, holding him tightly.
Derek returned the hug, burying his head in Stiles' neck. The smell of Stiles was intoxicating to his wolf. He loved it.
"Umm, I offered my room to Bonnie, Damon is staying with Gage, I was planning on crashing the couch, but maybe..." Stiles trailed off, he didn't know why he was even asking this, he knew it wasn't a good idea.
"You can have my room, I'll sleep on the couch," Derek offered before Stiles could finish.
"I was actually thinking I could stay in here with you," Stiles pulled away from Derek, running his hand along the back of his neck.
Derek held back a smile, "I'd love nothing more."
Stiles bit his lip, blushing once again.
Derek lead Stiles into the room gently. He closed the door behind him.
"I've missed you much, Der," Stiles said sitting on the bed, letting out a heavy sigh.
Derek rose his brows at the nickname. Stiles had never called him that before.
"I missed you too, more than you even know," Derek sat down next to Stiles, taking the druid's hands in his.
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Stiles looked at Derek. He wondered what all Derek had gone through in the three weeks he was with the witch.
Derek smelled the curiosity on Stiles and knew what he was thinking about. He took a deep breath before speaking, "I relived your death, over and over. I could hear you but you weren't there, and when you were, you weren't real. You were a memory. Void was there sometimes, most of the time, telling me what you thought of me and how much you hated me and were afraid of me and reminding me of how I let you down. It still feels real."
Stiles looked at Derek in surprise, he never imagined Derek would talk about that. It wasn't something he would have ever done.
"I'm sorry, I don't know why she put you through that," Stiles frowned gripping Derek's hands tighter.
"Because I deserved it," Derek answered.
"Nobody deserves that," Stiles disagreed, shaking his head. The thought that Derek actually believed he deserved to be mentally tortured, killed Stiles. "You're not a bad person Derek. Sure you've made mistakes, but who hasn't?"
"But I wasn't learning from them, I just kept making them. She, whoever she is, showed me what life without you in it was really like, and if I had let you in, then maybe I could have saved you. I'm not going to make that mistake. You're strong and smart, I can't expect you to sit on the sidelines. At least if I let you in, then you'll trust me and let me help you."
Stiles looked at Derek fondly. He was different now, it was like he was a totally different person. Maybe he was. Gage had said Derek reminded him of how he used to be, before the fire. Stiles had always wondered what it would have been like to know Derek before he'd been broken. Maybe now he would actually get to find out who Derek really was.
