Against the Current.

TRACK NO. 35 ♪

Rumors. Unverified opinion. Sometimes, just a baseless speculation. When you finally thought that there is a possibility that a rumor is true, that's when you will see things you've never seen before.

And I can see it now. Funny, how some things are better learned the hard way. At kung bakit sa akin, hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. I can't think of anything that I did to deserve it.

Bakit ba madali na lang sa ibang tao na saktan ako? Una si papa, sunod...si Isaac.

It's been a week. A week of denial. A week of thinking. My mind won't give me a rest. Questions. Tons. But all left unanswered until today, gumising ako na somehow, my mind is clear. I stopped denying. I started to look at it. I started to understand. May kasalanan din naman ako, when there's a hint of what kind of a person he is, I denied it. I brush it off without giving much of a thought. Kaya anong napala ko? Umasa. Niloko. Ginamit.

I type Isaac Von Alegre. Sobrang daming articles ang lumabas tungkol sa kanya. Karamihan ay tungkol sa aming dalawa. I searched, binasa ko yung mga article na hindi ko binasa dati dahil ang sabi ko, hindi totoo. Well, guess what? Tanga ka Franze. Tanga ka para hindi mag-wonder. Feeling prinsesa ka. Feeling mo everything is right.

I've never wondered how could he fall in love with me that fast. I even thought I'm that lovable. Lovable my ass. Punyeta ka! Uto-uto! Kasalanan mo rin kaya ka ginamit. You're gullible.

I read everything. How he used Kate, how he would do everything for fame, how he would 'cause his own issue. I feel ashamed. Pinagtanggol ko ang isang taong ginamit lang ako.

At first, I tried to sort out what's real and what's not but I got tired of it, nothing's real. That's the truth. It's all an act. Kunsabagay, kung breadwinner ka ng agency, anong laban nila kung hihilingin mong manatili ang gusto mo? And I helped him. Ang tanga lang.

Hindi na ako umiyak ulit after no'n, hindi na atleast, hindi na sa harap nilang lahat maging si Kianne. I felt so ashamed and humiliated that I told everyone that I knew it, that we are only putting an act for everyone. Kianne knows it's not true but she didn't react. She's been reaching out to me but I can't open up. I can't. It's my pain and I'll handle it.

"Okay na ako, ikaw na," kinuha ko na ang tuwalya ko at pumunta sa bathroom. Hinawakan naman ni Kianne ang braso ko. "Okay ka lang ba?" Nag-aalala niyang tanong sa akin. Ngumiti ako sa kanya. "Oo naman. Mahaharap ko ba siya kung hindi. Nag-usap na rin kami, we sorted it out. Don't worry." Tumango siya bago ako hinayaang pumasok sa bathroom.

Of course I lied. If you keep lying, it will flow right through you naturally. Minsan kapag tinatanong niya ako kung okay lang ako, kahit ako naniniwala na okay na ako. Gano'n pala ang apekto ng pagsisinungaling sa akin. Kahit sarili ko napapaniwala ko. Fake it 'til you make it.

I took a shower. And there, hindi ko na napigilan ang luha na bumalom and helplessly I cried again. The bigger the trust, the bigger the disappointment. The more you love, the more pain they will cause for you. Napaupo ako habang pilit na pinipigilan ang pagtakas ng hikbi. I want everyone to look at me, that I am strong. But no, I am not.

Sa isang linggong nagkikita kami ni Isaac, he never told me anything. It was like he's tired of acting around me. Kapag sinabing 'cut' ay tapos na ang lahat.

Nung una, ang sakit. I find myself crying sometimes because of that but then again, that's better than making me feel good comforting me with pretense.

I feel mad. I feel so mad that sometimes I want to ruin everything right there and then, but my pride won't let me. So I endured. I act with him. I pretended that all is well. Fakeitfakeitfakeitfakeit. Kahit ang sakit.