Against the Current.

TRACK NO. 39 ♪

Kinagabihan din ay nagpunta ako doon sa tulay kung saan ko binalak na tapusin ang lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko. Kung saan ninais kung kitilin ang sarili kong buhay. Naisip kong kung gusto kong mawala ang lahat ng galit sa puso ko, this is the place, this is the place to kill the pain and rid of it. Para na rin magpaalam kay Isaac. This is the place.

Nataon pala na piyesta kaya sarado na naman yung kalsada. Nakikiayon ang tadhana na kailangan kong mapag-isa para makapag-drama. Gaya dati ay sobrang lakas ng hampas ng hangin. Tinatangay yung buhok ko maging yung may kaluwagan kong damit. Napangiti ako. Para kasing pamilyar yung naiiisip ko.

This is the place, where I will forgive him. I'll forgive him and move on. Hindi naman matatapos ang buhay ko nang dahil sa kanya.

And in that silence ay naalala ko yung naging usapan namin dati.

"Dito ako pumupunta kapag gusto kong mapag-isa, kapag gusto kong mag-isip," paliwanag niya sa akin habang nakatingin sa kalangitan.

"Bakit? May iniisip ka ba ngayon?" Napalingon siya sa akin at tipid na ngumiti. "I just think I made a mistake and I am digging my own grave, it feels like I want to stop yet I can't." Nagtataka ko siyang tiningnan.

"Ano bang ginawa mo?"

"Something unforgivable. Even I can't forgive myself for doing it." Nakakunot lang yung noo niya habang sinasabi niya sa akin yun. Napabuntung-hininga siya habang nakatingin pa rin sa mga bituin.

"Bakit ginagawa mo kahit na alam mong hindi mo gustong gawin?"

"Because of an insane reason, the one most sinners used to make themselves feel better: for the greater good." Napatawa ako. "Lakas maka-superhero." Lumingon siya sa akin.

"Minsan napapaisip ako if it's even worthy na saktan ang isang tao for the sake of others." Paliwanag niya sa akin.

I have this urge to pat him in the shoulders so I did. "Sometimes, hurting someone is inevitable. I don't think someone can live a life without hurting anybody, because my friend, pain demands to be felt."

Napatawa ako. Is that me? Am I giving him advice to hurt me? Because hurting anybody is inevitable? I must be insane yet I somehow felt relieved dahil sa naalala ko.

Atleast, indirectly, I knew that he didn't want to do it. Ngayon ko lang naalala, ngayon na gusto ko ng magpatawad. But still no, I don't blame myself. Unconsciously I want him to explain, to ask for forgiveness. But I'm giving him the forgiveness he never ask, to make me feel better.

Napapikit ako. Thinking all the times that he showered me with 'I love you's, I don't know if it's real or not but those words made my heart flutter. Maybe I'll just think it is. Because in thise moments, that's what I felt. I felt that it was real regardless of his intentions. And somehow, I have good memories of him.

Gaya nga ng sabi ni Kianne, I won't let my pain define me, let my pain be a part of me that I'll forget it's pain, and with that memory, I'll become stronger than I used to be.

I hope someday we'll meet again. And maybe, just maybe, it will be right. Because right now, I am letting him go.

Ibinuka ko ang mga kamay ko, sumabay sa agos ng hangin. Pakiramdam ko ay tinatangay ako nito. Pumikit ako. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam. Ang sarap—napatigil ako sa gulat dahil sa biglang may yumakap sa akin mula sa likuran. Agad na umakyat ang puso ko sa lalamunan ko. Agad akong kinabahan. Or so I thought. Yun dapat ang nararamdaman ko ngayon pero ang traydor kong katawan ay nasanay sa pakiramdam na 'to.

Bumilis ang pintig ng puso ko, hindi dahil sa kaba na baka holdupper ang nakayakap sa akin kundi dahil sa ang lalaking papakawalan ko ngayon ay yung lalaking nakayakap sa akin.

Muli akong napapikit. "Don't turn around," halos mawalan ng lakas ang binti ko dahil sa kiliting dulot ng sinabi niya sa tenga ko. Kung paano niya nalaman na nando'n ako ay hindi ko alam.

And I just oblige, hindi ko rin alam ang gagawin ko kung makikita ko siya ngayon, baka...baka hindi ko siya mapakawalan.

"I'm sorry that you fell in love with a jerk like me, I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry..." Naramdaman ko ang pag-init ng sulok ng aking mga mata. The thing I wanted to hear most from him, he's giving it away now.

"I'm sorry that I can't explain to you, I just don't my mistake to be justified. I want you to be angry because you have all the right to be mad at me. I'm sorry that it's only now that I apologize to you, because I might be selfish and won't let you go," hindi ako makapagsalita, hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko.

"I'm the biggest asshole in the world and I deserved everything that is about to come," he says, I felt his breath against my bare shoulders. Para siyang nahihirapang huminga, I can feel his body trembling.

"Isaac, I..." huminga ako ng malalim bago nagsalita, "I came here to forgive you..." Lalong humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin.

"No, don't...don't forgive me. Don't say it. So I can let you go. I can't forgive myself. I will not forgive myself. I'm sorry..." Parang nanigas ang buong katawan ko ng maramdaman kong may pumatak na luha sa balikat ko, "...and I love you..." It's almost a whisper, namalayan ko na lang ang pagtulo ng luha ko. He said those words as if it will be the last time he's going to say it.

Unti-unting naramdaman ko ang pagluwag ng pagkakayakap niya sa akin and I heard footsteps but I didn't look back. I didn't until I no longer hear the footsteps.

Napakapit ako sa railing. Hindi ko maramdaman ang binti ko. Huminga ako ng malalim and there I let my tears fall.

Napaupo ako. Hindi ko mapigilan yung damdamin ko. It's overwhelming. It's drowning me.

Napahawak ako sa balikat ko, napapikit ako, a man's tears really is worth a lot more than his words.

It all sounded like a goodbye because it is a indeed a farewell, because the next morning...articles upon articles are written about him and he's nowhere to be seen. That's the last time I've heard of him.