SOPE | Memory

Bitter

By the time Dawon was in Hoseok's room, he wasn't clutching his head anymore. She smiled, glad Yoongi had helped, until she noticed the tears on his face glistening in the moonlight.

"Did he help?" she asked tentatively. Hoseok just nodded. "Does anything hurt?" He shook his head. "Hoseokie, can you talk?"

"I didn't mean to-- why did he leave-- did I remind him of something bad? Did I upset him--"

"Hoseok!" Dawon cut in sharply. "No, you did not upset him. He's upset with himself. Just give it time. Now, tell me, does anything hurt at all?"

"No," Hoseok muttered, then turned and faced the wall. Dawon gently felt his forehead and sighed with relief when it wasn't hot like earlier, just clammy and sweaty.

"It's probably bad that a fever that high disappeared in a few minutes, but you're staying home for now, until eomma and appa get home."

Hoseok didn't reply.

"Hoseok? Say okay," Dawon said, concerned. When he was upset, he didn't normally close up.

"Don't tell them please."

"Don't tell our parents that you woke up screaming in pain? At one in the morning?" Dawon asked incredulously.

"Yeah, please, noona."

"Why exactly?"

"So they don't worry."

Dawon drew in a breath.

"Hoseokie, you know it's okay to let people worry about you, right? After I move into the dorm when school starts, nobody here is going to know about this, and that means nobody is going to be here to wave their arms and get Yoongi-- oh," Dawon paused, then smiled. "Hoseok, this is the perfect plan to get Yoongi to talk to you! He has to take care of you because he knows what happened--"

"No," Hoseok said angrily.

"Excuse me, what?"

"I'm not going to talk to him, and I'm not forcing him to talk to me, even if it means lying in bed alone while my skull splits in half and my lungs burn to ashes," Hoseok said flatly, a rare hint of bitterness in his voice.

"Hoseok? What's wrong?"

"Me! I'm wrong! I made him so upset just by moving in! I bring destruction everywhere I go!" Hoseok was almost shouting now, ignoring the dull burn he felt in his lungs.

"That's not true--"

"Go away!"

Dawon stood there, stunned and hurt, but she knew Hoseok was hurt more than her. And he was her precious dongsaeng.

Dawon sat down on the edge of the bed and put a hand on Hoseok's back. He flinched when the bed dipped.

"Get out," he said, but his voice wasn't loud anymore. It was quiet. Scarily quiet.

"Shhh," Dawon whispered gently, rubbing his back.

"Fine, then tell me."

"What?"

"Why he's so upset!"

"Oh. Hoseok, I can't--"

"Oh, you can't tell me? Do you know how much pain was in his eyes? Do you know how much it hurts to have over half of my life just a blurry window, something I can't and never will remember? I'm sixteen! I'm old enough to handle whatever it is!"

Dawon flinched at the coldness in his voice.

"That's not my--"

"I'm not talking until you tell me," Hoseok said in a low voice, shifting so that he was farther away from his sister.

"Um, Hoseokie?" Dawon paused. "Hoseok. Jung Hoseok, listen to me!" When he didn't answer, she let out a groan of frustration. "Don't tell Yoongi I told you, okay?"

Hoseok shifted.

"You guys were friends--"

Hoseok grunted.

"Okay, okay, you guys were lovestruck boyfriends, there, happy? He was annoyed about something when you were at the mall, so he told you to go into a store by yourself while he sat outside and calmed down. The fire started inside the store you were in, and you got trapped under something. He ran inside and got you out, but you were there for too long and the fire was hot, so you passed out. Then you were at the hospital, and his foster parents who weren't ever really good, they just gave up on raising him. Those bitc-- uh, idiots. When I went to pick him up, he was sobbing and he told me everything. When you woke up not remembering anything, it was like all life left him. He was too young to feel that kind of pain, Hoseok. He blamed himself for everything, even though he was the one who go you out alive. It hurts him now, Hoseok. I think... I think he thinks he'll end up hurting you again, and I've seen it in him, he's willing to take the pain if it means you won't feel it."

"Oh," Hoseok whispered, his voice shaking.

"Hoseokie, everything's going to be okay."

When Hoseok turned back around, Dawon's eyes widened. Tears were still flowing from his puffy eyes, but that wasn't what scared her the most. It was his in eyes.

The normal smile and warmth in them was gone. Even when he was hurting somewhere, or on the inside, Dawon had always seen a happiness in his eyes, a sparkle. But that was gone. She started to wonder if it had ever really been there, or if it was just a fake, a cover, to hide everything inside.

Hoseok's eyes were flat and dull, and it scared her to see such beautiful eyes looking like that.

"Are you o-okay?"

Hoseok just stared.

"I'll get him to talk to you, okay?"

"No," he said automatically. Dawon flinched again. His voice was dry and pained, not the normal one with a built-in laugh.

"Go to sleep, we'll talk in the morning," Dawon said, leaving the room. As soon as she shut the door, Hoseok started shaking uncontrollably, whispering to himself, to Yoongi, to the world.

I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you. Do you forgive me? For forgetting, for not being there, for putting you in danger and in pain when you were barely a teenager. I don't remember what it was like, but I get the feels that it was the best thing I ever felt.

The feels. Hah.

Hoseok tried to smile, but he couldn't. Not even a forced, tight-lipped smile. Where was his smile?

Do you still love me? I think I loved you, and I think I do now. I think. But if you don't want to, that's okay, it's okay for me to live wondering what I'm missing out on. Because I think I want to know what it felt like to love you, to be loved by you, but if you're in pain, I won't add to it.

Is that being selfish? Am I using you as a tool to remember? Does that make me a bad person? But I think that I really do want to get to know you...

Hoseok sighed and stared at the ceiling for a long time before he fell into an uneasy, dreamless sleep.