SOPE | Memory

Thanks, Jimin

Yoongi ran into his room, slammed the door, and flopped face-first onto the floor. He ignored the dull pain on his face and chest and just lay there. Emotions mixed in his mind and he couldn't think clearly. Anger and worry, calm and panic, hate and love... was love ever really there? Of course it was. But was it, really...? Was it not...?

A soft knock sounded on the door. Yoongi didn't answer. He didn't care if he was seventeen and his parents came in to find him sobbing on the floor.

"Hyung? Are you okay?"

Yoongi stilled.

"Jimin?" he asked, grimacing at his scratchy voice. Hoarse from crying for himself and Hoseok, the past he wanted and hated.

"Are you okay?" Jimin repeated, coming to sit by Yoongi's head.

"I don't know."

Jimin put his small hand over Yoongi's big one and pressed down tightly.

"I'm here for you, hyung. If you ever need me, I'm here. You can let go of anything, everything. I'll still be here. I'll be your anchor, just like you're mine. Okay?"

"Thanks, Jimin. I'm sorry I'm a weak hyung..."

"You're the strongest hyung anybody's ever had. Nobody's gone through the pain you have. Nobody knows what it's like to be you. You're not weak."

Yoongi clenched his teeth as another spike of anger toward Hoseok rose. Jimin pulled his hand back.

"What happened?"

"I don't know, Jimin. I don't know. It's too confusing. I don't know."

"That's okay. You'll figure it out."

Yoongi laughed bitterly. He felt Jimin tense.

"Sorry. I'm just upset."

"Do you want to talk?"

"No... yes."

"You don't have to," Jimin said gently. Yoongi blinked. Since when was his little dongsaeng so responsible and mature? He got up with a groan and brought Jimin to his bed.

"It's Hoseok," Yoongi began, barely choking out the name without breaking his smooth face. He was angry, but also sad and guilty.

Jimin watched Yoongi's mask fall apart bit by bit as he spilled to him, about everything. When he was done, Yoongi stared at his hands and Jimin stared at his hyung.

"So that's why you're gone so much," he said. Yoongi nodded.

"I'm sorry, Jiminie. I didn't see. I should have stayed home more to take care of you," Yoongi said softly, his voice thick with guilt and regret. Jimin shook his head quickly.

"No! No, hyung. You were home a lot to begin with. You deserve to go to friends' houses too. Especially Hoseok hyung. I... I'm sorry of this hurts but I can tell you guys really do love each other a lot... I think you both feel pain and you just need to get past that, then you'll have your Hoseok back and he'll have his Yoongi hyung back."

Yoongi shook his head.

"You didn't see, Jimin. You didn't see how much pain he felt. And I'm still mad. He doesn't see either," Yoongi said, glaring at the wall.

"I know I don't see, but I do see that this isn't going to last. You can't stay mad forever, hyung. Neither can he," Jimin said firmly. Yoongi sighed.

"I don't know, Jiminie... I'm not sure. I've hurt him and he's hurt me and it's just too much hurt."

"When was your last headache?"

Yoongi paused, caught off guard by the question out of the blue.

"I don't--"

"You don't have them when you're with Hoseok hyung, right? You never get them on days you come back from his house," Jimin interrupted. "And his only get super bad when he's really upset or you don't go over, right? That's why Dawon keeps getting you."

Yoongi bit his lip. He realized that Jimin was right. But so was he.

"Maybe it hurts because we still care. If we didn't care, it would never hurt."

"Maybe... I don't think so, though. But that's okay, it's not my life. It's yours. I don't really care, I just care if you're happy, hyung."

"I'm sorry I'm not here enough for you, Jiminie," Yoongi said softly, pulling Jimin into a hug. Jimin started to argue, but Yoongi cut him off. "I really should be. I'm your hyung. You take care of me now, and I should for you. I love you, Jiminie."

"Love you too, Yoongi hyung."

Yoongi ignored the memories that stabbed him and focused on Jimin. He would deal with Hoseok later.