The Gang Leader Wants Me

Chapter Thirty// My decision

"How do you forgive someone?"

"You don't," Brandon simply says to me. I look at him flabbergasted and frown, that can't be right. Surely you have to forgive someone at one stage. "You never really forgive someone Faye, you just learn to move past it. But it will always stick to the back of your mind, making you wonder when they're going to hurt you again," he says shrugging.

I sigh and cross my legs on his bed, "do you think I should move past this?" He shrugs again, not being much help to me making me angry. Basically Brandon and I have been friends for two weeks now ever since he made that funny comment, we instantly clicked I guess. He's not so bad either, he's actually a really lovely person. So we have gotten much closer and I have practically told him my whole life story already, he's told me his too so I guess you could call us the best of friends already. I know, it's been two weeks. But he's been more of a friend to me than anyone else has.

"That decision isn't up to me and you know that. Do you think he's worth forgiving or not? So you love him or not?" He asks me.

I already know the answer to both of those questions. But I don't want to say them out loud, it somehow makes me think of myself as a terrible person. But like Brandon said, you never really get past it do you? So how can I possibly move past this?

"I love him. I think I always will but I don't think it's a healthy love anymore, he isn't good for me and I know what I deserve. I don't think I could forgive him for doing this, I've made my decision," I nod firmly. My eyes water, thinking of how much I really do love him but this is what's best for me. I think I should tell him that too, that there's no chance anymore. There's no us and there never will be. "So that's why I need to tell him, for closure."

Brandon stays silent for a moment, his thinking face on. I can tell that he is confused on my decision. If you love someone you usually forgive them. But for 17 years now all I have experienced is abandonment and hurt, this is for me. Being with Jake will only cause more hurt and more trauma. He is a bomb, waiting to tick off and explode. That life isn't just for me. Not anymore. "Do what you need to do, I will always support you," and that's all I really need. His support.
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We stand in front of each other in silence, in his home. I drove here, well, Brandon actually did and Jake was not happy with that but he didn't make a comment on it. There's so much to say but I don't know how to say it. He stands there, his beautiful curls covering his frown lines that have formed over these few months. The black bags under his eyes prove his lack of sleep and his constant movement from one leg to the other shows his nervousness. I love Jake Collins. Jake Collins loves Faye Lacuna. So why shouldn't they be together you may ask? Should a relationship have so much hurt and destruction? Should there be so much betrayal and deception? If you loved someone, you wouldn't do anything to hurt them. He hurt me. He hurt my family at a time that was already so difficult and he made things impossible for me. I thought I wouldn't survive, I couldn't think. I couldn't sleep. Love shouldn't be that. If that's what loving someone is like then I don't want it.

So I speak the first words spoken between us in weeks. "I can't do this anymore," his face doesn't fall and it doesn't rise in happiness either. He doesn't know what this means. Hell I don't want it to mean what it has to mean. He stands puzzled and nervous, wanting me to take him back. He doesn't move toward me, not wanting to f*ck anything up.

"Can't do what anymore?" He finally speaks. Oh his voice, so beautiful, so deep, like a symphony to me. He sounds distressed and tired, but still so beautiful.

"This. I can't do us," I point a finger between the two of us. His face falls and he moves towards me quickly, wanting to change my mind. He grabs my hands, holding on to them tight whilst pleading with me to reconsider. "Jake, I love you."

"See, you love me. Then you can take me back and we can be happy," he persists. He kisses both of my hands making my eyes water, it pains me to do this. It really does. But would you want to be in a toxic relationship? I think not.

"How can I forgive you after everything that's happened? I was nothing to you in the beginning, just a game to get to my father. Which you did, you hurt him then everything else started falling apart. I needed you and you did that to my family and I. How could you do that? That isn't love," the tears fall one by one, my heart clenches and his eyes actually start watering. He runs a hand through his hair in a stressed manner and he shakes his head, not wanting to believe anything he's hearing. But it needs to be said.

"People make mistakes. They make mistakes all of the time. I made a mistake and I'm owning up to it, I love you; please. I will do anything for you," he begs me. He gets down onto his knees, seeming vulnerable and he begs for me to take him back and to attempt to change my mind. It pains me seeing this but I'm doing what's best for me.

"But how many mistakes do people need to make for someone to learn? This is toxic, we are not good for each other."

He stands and grabs my waist, pulling me towards him making me cry harder. He would always do this when we were together. He kisses me continuously, I tell him to stop but he just replies with please. When two people in love are are in a vulnerable state, one person is bound to make a stupid decision. That's what I happened to do. He kisses me and I kiss him back, missing his touch and his lips; thriving in the feeling. He undresses me and I don't protest. I undress him and he doesn't protest either. I know how wrong this is, but all I could think was 'one more time then no going back' then I would leave. So I let him touch me in such an intimate way, I let him make love to me until we couldn't do it anymore.

I lay there gasping for air and he holds me tight, "please don't leave baby, I need you and you know it." A sob escapes my lips, he doesn't know how much I don't want to do this and he will never understand why I made this decision.

"We just weren't meant to be," and I feel guilty for letting all the previous events happen. I should feel guilty. I stand, tossing my clothes on and all I hear in the background as I walk out is glass smashing and wood breaking. I hear his cries making me cry harder but I don't look back because I can't. Being with him was one of the worst and best decisions I've ever made.

It was a lesson. How am I ever going to love anyone as much as I loved him though? There will be no one. I try to push the regret away, it's too late. This is what's best for me. I repeatedly tell myself, however even my subconscious doesn't believe it. I need him and I pushed him away, I left him and walked out. There's no going back now.

Will it ever be the same? Will the hurt fade? Will the memories disperse? Will I be okay? Will he be okay? Will he find someone?

Even through ending things officially, I can't bare the thought of him with someone else. Which makes me incredibly selfish. I've made this decision, I thought it was best for me and it possibly could be in the end. I just have to see how things go.
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eeeeeee so what do you think? I know, I know you'll all hate me. But this is just a reminder that even people in love can't be together. Sometimes the hurt and lies get too much that being apart is much better for your mental and physical state rather than being together.

Trust me here, I went through the same thing and it was a nightmare. Reminder that not everything is a happily ever after but this ain't the end yet, stay tuned for the next chapter.

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Keely