So, basically. I don't post that much here anymore bc my life is kinda just neutral. It's not necessarily going downhill but it's not going up much either. This chick I used to be in love with two years ago came back. She haunts me. Maybe she's why I'm rethinking and fucking shit up? Going into self destruct? I think about her now, but not as much. I wish she'd go away but I don't wanna be mean. I guess there's always still gonna be that part there for her. I don't love her. I love my girlfriend. She and I have almost been together for a year. A year. I've never been with someone that long. But with her, it's easier. She's great and I love her v much uwu <3. (sorry for the cringe). I had a dream last night that my dad was letting me get top surgery and change my name but he wouldn't let me start hormones (weird) but I was happy, nonetheless. I woke up today and thought it was real. I've been having a hard time recently putting my dreams apart from my reality. I sat in bed and smiled and cried for about 20 minutes before it hit me. It was just a dream. Sometimes I think, just maybe, I'm not this way. I'm not REALLY transgender. I'm trending. Right? Then stuff like this happens, I can't leave the house without wearing my binder, I can't leave without packing. Hell I can't not pack or not bind even at my home. I honestly just wish I'd die. I hate being in this fucking body. I'd do anything to get out of it. Anything. It's fucking horrible. I just. Why the fuck did I have to be born like this? She makes it easier. Being with her makes it easier. Everything is easier. It's amazing. It's amazing how someone could hurt you so much and yet, save you from yourself.
She scares the shit out of me because I've never been so willing, begging even, for someone to hurt me. She could stab me everyday in the same spot and I'd probably say "thank you." it's probably not healthy. But she's what it comes down to at the end of the day. She's what keeps me going. I've never been so in love with anyone. I've had hella crushes on some people, I've only loved one other person. But she's the second, I hope she's the last. I think if she left me I could learn to be ok. She taught me how to breathe. Even if we don't end up together, I like to think that I would continue breathing.
I fucked up. I fucked up bad lmao. I hate it so much. I miss her. not in a "i love u" way. I just miss talking to her and it hasn't even been a full day. fuck.
