Its confusing. Everything is. Adulting is hard. Adult relationships are hard. I loved you more than anything. We didnt work out. I just want you to move on and i wish nothing but the best for you. I really wish it could've been us. I wanted to marry you. Still do. But you're just not the person i want to be with anymore. You're just. Youre not a good person. I wish that wasnt the truth. And honestly. I'd probably still marry you, just the way you are. You'll always be that one thing. Nearly impossible to say no to. Sunflower. I'll always think of you everyday. Every night. And you can pretend that it was all my fault. thats fine. But you still hurt me. Just as much as i hurt you, if not more. And that's fine. I still forgave you for almost all the fucked up shit you did. But i just cant forgive this one thing. It eats at me everyday. Everytime i hear his name. Everytime youre with him. It all just rushes back. You're not good enough for me. Despite what you think. You dont deserve me. And that's fine. I dont deserve you and I'm not good enough for you either. I know how much you love to say that we could've been good for each other and we couldve changed. But thats just not the truth. The truth is we were terrible together. There was select good moments, but overall just trash. Doesnt mean i dont love you. I love you more than anything. I'd do anything for you except put myself in a bad place. And that's what I'd be doing if i left him for you. I'm so tired of being here. I'm so tired of being alive. It just gets harder and harder and harder. It doesnt ever just stop. Maybe it'll be better now that youre not here. Maybe. But that doesnt solve everything. I hate being alive. I hate it. Absolutely hate it. I can't stop thinking about killing myself. Every fucking day. Plays like a loop in my head. All the different ways i could do it. Driving off the side of a cliff. Stabbing myself with a knife at work. Drowning myself in the tub. So many. Different ways. Playing in my head. Everyday. God it is just getting harder and harder to stop myself too.
