I can feel my heart beating slowly, down in the very bottom of my chest. It always drops down everytime this happens. Everytime we fight. How is it that you do that? And how can I forget about all of my problems and make you the only one? How do I do this? I've never loved anyone this much and I'm still learning how to function like this. I can't speak. I just want to throw my fist into a wall. Down a few shots maybe. Anything. I hate this feeling. I hate it more than anything. It's the same feeling I've felt at least a thousand times since I fell in love with you. It eats at me. I can feel it tearing at my heart. And it scares me. Only you do this to me. It's amazing what one person could do to you. I should've left a long time ago. I got attached. I never meant to. I was supposed to die. I'm supposed to be dead. But you wouldn't let that happen. I doubt you'll be around forever. I don't deserve you. I really don't. And it's okay if you leave. I'll be okay. I'll be okay. I'm so scared of losing you. The one thing I care about. We both treat each other like shit. Maybe we're just not right for each other? Maybe. Maybe. But i think we are. You make me feel. That's it, you make me feel. Love, pain, hate. You're the reason I want to feel. But i wish you'd just put me out of my misery and kill me. Nothing is worse than this. I don't want to live. I don't want to live. I domt want to live. I dont want to live. By the way take nothing in this fucking book seriously. I just breakdown and speak my.mind and god.i have no whrre else tk.fucking put it except here. This is only for when its really bad. When its really bad. Really bad. Really bad. When i cant stop shaking and.my eyes are constantly watering and I'm not here. When i cant focus on anything except the thoughts in my head telling me to stop breathing. And othet thoughts obviously. Mostly bad thoughts. Just bad..bsd bsd bad bad bad bad thoughrs. Bad. I wonder what it.would look like to see my head smashed in on the floor. I domt know why.i m thinking about this. But.i am. I wonder. I juet wonder. I.mean obviously.ill never find out because... well even if i get my head smashed in i wont be able to see it lol. Idk get a mirror???? Idk it just wouldnt work....bc head... yeah lol. Idk this is so weird i hste being like this i hate it. I get flashes of random images in my head of either what i want to do to kill.myself or just sexual scenarios its so fucking weird. I cant stop shaking..i cant stop shaking. I wish I'd just die. I want to die so badly. I don't want to be here. Here this sucks. Alive. Anywhere itll suck because ill have tk be me..i iust want to die.. why. I hate being alive. Jesus fuck its thr worst thing ever. I hate it. Cant i just skip to the second I die???. Or can it be fucking soon??? Ill just fucking step out in front of a car or some shit i cant stand this.
