It's like I'm never meant to be happy. Everytime I am, something goes wrong. I fuck up or someone does something. I've fucked up a lot. I often wonder what it'd be like to embrace it again. All my fuck ups. And just accept that I am that. A fuck up. I wonder just how much alcohol I could get down before it kills me. I wonder just how many times i can drink the nights away and take as many pills as possible without passing out, until I'm just not there at all. No one would be in my head. Just empty. How many bottles of alcohol, would do that? Make it to where I'm just gone. Body still here and operating. But i feel nothing. Before i ruin my memory. Before I ruin everything in my life. Just how much shots would it take, for me to be a robot? I'd love to try. I'd love to see it. I'd be what I should've been a year ago. I should've already been there. But there's been a halt in the plan. I don't know how or why. I don't know why. I don't know why. I've already cried twice today its only 8 am. Why? Well. Because I'm not a robot. Not yet. Should I take the steps? To become a robot? Nothing would hurt anymore. I'd be fine. I'd be alive, yet not alive. I wouldn't have to feel again. Nothing would matter. And maybe one day I'd die. I think. That. Is good. But then i remember. That I do have feelings. And feelings for one person. That one person who keeps me anchored. Why do i let her keep me anchored? Because I have feelings. But if I want to unacher i have to hurt her. I dont want to hurt her. What a mess I've created. What a mess. I'll be sure to clean it up soon. I'll be sure. What a mess.
