how do i know if i love you?

12장

"Move!" I yell, my voice ripping my throat. The car's light is blinding, I must get through it though. I'm not dying today.

I quickly run to the side of the road that I was closest to. The driver pushes on his bracks and crash into a street sign. That was so close.

I kimchi squat, my butt close to the ground, tears staining my makeup. That did not just happen. No.

"EONNI!" MIMI screams running across the road towards me. We shouldn't have come to Sokcho. That was the worst decision I've ever made. "Eonni?? Are you ok?" MIMI crys, her makeup running. I nod, I'm no where near fine but I don't want anyone to worry about me.

"Eonni, I really thought that was the end." CoCo sobs squating down to hug me. "I really thought he hit you."

"I-i am alive." I mutter wiping tears from under my eyes.

"Let's never do that again," Lea says quietly crying.

"I guess the next big dispatch story would be 'Kim Chaerin from Midnight girls gets 'hit' by a car, what happened?'" I laugh wiping my eyes. "I'm never doing this again."

"Don't worry about it," Lea sobs. "We just happy you're alive, when you pushed us I really thought he hit you."

"Can we just go back to the hotel?" I ask. "I just want to go home."

"I'll call Dowon, see if he can send us a car." Lea says hugging me. I stand up wipe my eyes again, I probably look terrible.

We stand there for awhile in a group hug until Dowon comes with his car.

"What happened? Why are my stars crying? Who hurt you guys?" Our Manager asks looking at us as we get into the car.

"We almost got hit by a car." Lea says. "We really thought Chae was hit by the car, she pushed us out of the way of the car."

"Who was the driver? Did he get out to help you?" Dowon questions.

I hesitate before replying "N-no, we have no idea who the driver was, he crashed into a side post further down the street but didn't come talk to us." I really hate lying but I couldn't just say it was.. Him.

Dowon doesn't bother us for the rest of the trip back to the hotel. I wish I could just scream I need to get it out, but I don't want anyone to know I'm not ok.

When we come back to the hotel I don't say anything, afraid that it will come out as a scream. So I just take a shower.

The water was cold as it ran down my spine. I just need to scream, curse the world or something.

'Maybe I should of just died, just like he wanted.' I cover my ears with my hands, I squat down under the water and cry and cry. Covering my ears won't stop the voices. I let out a quiet scream barely audible.

"Chae eonni??" I hear someone say through the door. "Is everything ok? You seem to be taking awhile." I burst out in tears, but when your in the shower it's nearly impossible to cry tears, and crying with out tears is the most painful cry. "Do you need me to come in?" I recognise the voice as being Jisu's.

"I-I" I don't know what to say. "I guess I'm fine, just sleepy." I reply turning off the shower. I put on my PJs and open the door.

Jisu hugs me as soon as I open that door. "I know you're not ok, I know when you're not ok. I know you know who the driver was, I'm not going to pressure you into telling me about it, just know that I'm here for you, we all are."

I just hug her back and cry into her shoulders, "I don't know what to say, but thank you." I mumble.

"I also know you don't really like to sleep at night, I know you probably won't sleep tonight at all." Jisu says stroking my hair. "Yoongi told me what happened the night of your birthday."

"You know what happened?" I question looking up at her, times like this i wish I wasn't this small.

"Yes, he took carried you back after you feel asleep." Jisu says wiping away my tears. "He told be about you drinking alcohol. He's actually quite sweet, I think you should keep him around." I smile at her.

"You know about the alcohol then?" I question pulling away.

"I've always known, why do you think all the bottles of soju kept disappearing?" Jisu says. I just laugh half-heartedly.

The girls kept me busy that night, so I didn't have to sleep. When we got up in the morning I saw that dispatch did make an article about what happened last night, it was labelled 'CM from Midnight Girls brush with death, what happened?' I decided to look through the story and comments.

"Wait? Is this real?"
"Are you guys sure this is true?"
"OH MY! Cinnamon are you ok?"
"I misread it wrong and cried for an hour."
"They probably faked it."
"It's so sweet how the member's were comforting her! They almost got hit too."
"I feel like the driver did it on purpose."
"Re: She probably knows or knew the driver and the driver probably hates her."
"I didn't cry, you did."

I cried reading the comments, many people wondered if I was ok, I'm still not really.

I set up my phone so it faces me and start a Vlive.

"Hello fireflies!" I say waving at the camera. "So as many people know, last night.." I struggle to continue

"Last night we almost got hit by a car, CM eonni almost was killed by the driver." Eunchae says sitting down

"I read many people's comments and I thought I should just do a quick vlive to tell you guys that I'm ok."  I say wiping my eyes. "We are ok."

"CM is quite brave and if it wasn't for her there probably be headlines on how some members of Midnight died." Jisu pipes in taking a seat on the bed besides me.

"Fireflies, we love you so much, everything you have done to support us means the world to us." I say almost in full tears. "Namjoon-ah, I know you are probably watching this, I'm fine, do your best at your Job and I'll see you in a couple days love you!"

"Thank you every! This was midnight girls!" We say waving at the camera and I shut off the vlive.

"So, should we go to Sindasin for lunch?" MIMI asks. "I really liked your mum and I want to meet your brother."

"Hmm sure." Eunchae says. I agree to go along but to be honest I don't want to see Eun's brother again.